Aasin

So I finally have some free time to myself. I've been busy nonstop and have just now finally devoted a day solely to myself.

The 12 day session wasn't bad at all. I loved all three of my campers. One of them was a Rutgers fan so I was chilling with that dude most of the time. He was also strong as hell and could hold onto me without me even trying for a bit. My other two guys were cool as well although one kept waking up in the morning really early. He made it such a trend that my body started getting up early prepared to stop him. The body is truly an amazing thing on how it adapts to circumstances.

So I took Polish Kat to Philly yesterday. She had basically came up to me asking to chill in New York City during our break but I was like nah screw that. I ain't ever really been in Philadelphia so I thought it would be cool to check it out with her since she wouldn't get such an opportunity again.

Loved Philly. I liked how it was so small compared to New York City. It kind of felt like a city in the South. Things weren't so fast paced like in New York City. It wasn't like this utopian city either like people make New York City out to be. It seemed feasible for most normal people to actually live there. I always figured that if anything, I'd prefer a small cosy city to live in over NYC. I thought Richmond was pretty good for that although that 9 PM everything closed law is a drag.

We unintentionally found the steps that Rocky climbed. Needless to say I ran them. Its like people be running them constantly. A ton of people including some Asian businessmen ran the steps. Haha those Asians were funny running in their business suits.

Oh man yesterday with Polish Kat was one of those days that you just remember for the rest of your life. Just filled with good memories. Philly was great although it took a while to get there and then I had to take her to NYC to meet up with the rest of the Europeans.

Chilled with them for a bit and it was great. They wanted me to hang and stay with them but I gotta focus son! They also had no idea what they were doing but I told them were they should be heading. Kat was upset and wanted me to stay. It was tempting being a young adult in NYC but nothing could be better than being in Paterson.

I wonder what they doing now? Probably piss drunk ha. Man this is what memories are all about!

So I've been speaking a lot about my current job but very little about exactly what I do. Needless to say I have a ton of friends asking me where I am and why I'm surrounded by a bunch of Europeans. So here is the explanation entry.

I'm currently working at Camp Merry Heart in Hacketstown, New Jersey. At the camp week after week we care for individuals who are mentally handicap. We basically act as their personal nurse alongside having a good time doing such activities as dancing, sports, and boating. Needless to say it isn't all fun and games as we need to assist them in many aspects such as showering, clothing, and toileting. Yeah guys, I'm cleaning up pooh as a job.

I am living there for the summer Sunday until Friday morning so basically I only have Friday nights and all of Saturday off. I usually drive the hour back to Paterson and relax. There is nothing to do on the weekends and I'd much rather be home the few days I am able to rather than be there. We're basically out in the middle of the woods. Just the other day I had a dangerous close encounter with a bear so yeah we really are in the middle of nowhere. I'm doing this until Aug 14. Then I stay another week for Camp New Day and after that I plan on going to Chicago. Then school starts again so my summer is pretty much planned out.

People have asked me if I am able to take off work. Only in an extreme emergency could I get off work. In all honesty though if I were to take off work for a day it would be unfair for my fellow co-workers. We are each given 2-3 campers whom we are responsible to help shower, clothe, and all that other good stuff. If I were to leave that would put more burden on everyone else because they would have to look after my chaps and I cannot be selfish like that. Sorry guys but I'm only free to hang out Friday-Saturday. Its all good though since I've been chilling with peeps every single weekend since summer started so honestly I never really just get a day to myself!

The camp mostly employs international workers. Most are from the United Kingdom but we have a few from Australia, New Zealand, and Poland. The few Americans we have come from far away like Texas, Oklahoma, or Wisconsin. Only a fellow from West Orange and myself are the only New Jersey natives working there so we mos def get to open our horizons to new cultures.

I've told some of my friends about the job and they said they think they would not be able to handle such a job. I'll admit it can be stressful for a lot of people. I see it all the time. I'm usually quite calm so you don't see me stressed but other workers have had arguments with each other over the most trivial details. No one has a problem with me but some factions have been formed I notice. It is all stupid really and people just need to learn how to be happy. I don't find it much stressful really. Maybe because I've been doing this type of thing as a volunteer for five years now. I see people all the time at Rutgers saying they are stressed because they have so much work to do. Maybe thanks to Camp New Day I've never really been stressed about school work while at Rutgers. Annoyed about having to do homework yes but never fretful. People at Rutgers constantly show that they are from privilege without even realizing it.

For those of you wondering who the girl is I've mentioned before, she is from the camp. Her name is Kat and she is from Poland. She is a great girl and a genius at mathematics. It is sad to see though that we'll only be having a three month relationship. After that she returns to Poland and I pretty much wrap up my summer. For now though we are enjoying being with each other. She gets upset that I leave for the weekend and don't party with them on the weekends but I still have a life outside of camp.

Its interesting to see how relationships have formed at camp. There is a 3-1 ratio of girls to guys so I guess we men have lucked out. Out of the relationships that have formed however, only one is possible of being kept going outside of camp but even that is a stretch. I think everyone knows that its just a temporary pleasure so why not give in to it? We are all young so lets enjoy the moment.

The other day one of my mates basically said I must be "shagging" girls left and right with my apparent "skill" at talking to girls. I made it clear to him that this is far from the truth. I've always wondered how people constantly get their perception of me wrong. They think I'm a playa and it really annoys me. So far people have said I'm addicted to working out,being a pretty boy, ,anorexic, confused and possibly gay (don't even understand that one if I'm with Kat) guy. Apparently caring for my health and image is not manly at all. Whatever. At the end of the day I am happy with what I got.

So another week is done at camp. I have to say this week is a lot easier than the first week. One of my campers left because he was simply too difficult to take care of. When I read up on him I was pretty worried. That was something even some of the more experienced counselors would have a hard time with. So I had only one guy and he was no problem at all. The only problem was that he kept taking socks from everybody!

I think everyone is good now and not stressed that this will be too much work. The weak little South African girl left after the first week. I figure at least give it two weeks but quitting after one week just makes you look bad. This week was so much easier compared to the first one. She looks like she comes from privilege too because last I heard she was staying in New York City. Pretty much getting what she wanted and screwing everyone else who stayed back at camp. Her parents can fit the bill.

So I've also learned who to be wary of at camp as well. It seems a lot of people love to spread gossip. Not much else to do in free time really. I've mostly kept to myself and Polish Kat but even some small drama happened with me. One of the girls accused me of wandering off during meals. I'm not gonna lie that I do that a lot but it was never an issue and I had a pretty darn good reason to be heading off. In fact the only time it was an issue was when I needed to help someone with a camper. To be honest I know that this girl mentioned it to the guy who told me likes this particular guy so she probably just trying to look responsible and mature in front of him. Can't see how the particular issue was any of her business either. If it was a problem, the only person it affected could have came up to me and besides it ain't even like I wasn't doing my job. I would finish it and bounce for like five minutes. Whatever that ish died quickly. If anything I did most of the work at that table. She just needed to watch the group while I left for a minute so if she did come to me I'd be ready for a come back. I'm never one to be caught off guard.

But yeah some of those people are sounding malicious. My plan of being a recluse is working and no one much cares for me. I'm just the chill guy who pops in every once and a while. I love how I'm in the know on most things and honestly that stuff just comes to me. I don't hussle or anything to get the gossip like some of the people do.

Oh also another amusing thing that has been happening at the camp is that everyone has been doing their top five picks on who they find attractive. Romance is the other thing to do on the free time. I'm happy to say I haven't made anybody's list from the couple of people I've heard it from! Its about time. Maybe it is because I'm with Polish Kat so I'm out of bounds?? Or maybe because I simply don't talk much. Who knows. A lot of the girls suck up and flirt with my gay twin though. It is pretty awesome.

Apparently I don't much smile either. Polish Kat told me I should smile more. It constantly looks like I'm pissed off she said. I didn't realize that but some other people have said that to me as well. I wonder if I always look pissed off even at Rutgers. People say I'm so giddy at University. Maybe its because I'm so focused at getting stuff done at camp. I don't like things being procrastinated on.

Oh and we had to jump in the lake today to do a lake drill. Basically its to see who can do it in case we have an emergency at the lake. I'm surprised a lot of people didn't do it. Particularly some of the guys. The way they act you'd think they would have this macho ego. Of course me, the pretty boy, did it in all of that irony. It was horrible though. The lake was not what I expected. It was so cold I was really in shock. My body couldn't take it and I could hardly breath. I was in so much pain I thought I might faint! I remember watching "Man vs. Wild" and Bear Grylls (whom the British here really hate) was jumping in a frozen lake in Siberia. He was saying how your heart could basically have a heart attack from the sudden cold. I couldn't grasp it at the time but after jumping in that lake I think I have an idea. Man it was cold in that lake but Bear must be in excellent shape to be doing that in Siberia. I finished the drill though and was in so much pain when I got out. We had to jump in again though! I think my body couldn't take the sudden cold which screwed me over. I should have waded in instead of doing a cannonball. The second time around my body was getting used to the cold and I probably could have managed if we had to stay in longer.

Its amazing how pathetic I was in the freezing water though. There is no doubt that I am the most fit at camp but I've never been good at swimming and was completely schooled. It just goes to show you that the proper conditioning is everything. I can outrun everyone at camp but am such a bad swimmer.

On the pretty boy note, I've been called that repeatedly by one of the British girls. I'm amazed I constantly get this brandished on me especially since most of the time I dress like a slob just to avoid these types of situations. The few times I do dress up though is enough for most though. I wonder why guys just can't be feminine sometimes and care about their appearance. I'm not ashamed of how I look nor the shape my body is in so why can't I be proud of it without being seen as a pretty boy? Two guys made fun of my dancing the other day, of course one of them spent the whole time sitting down and the other danced pretty bad. Moving up and down is not dancing sorry. I just want to have fun and in the end, I'm the one having a good time. I'd like to see their luck at a club sometime against me!

Polish Kat will be on a trip for the camp next week. We won't see each other for six days. :(

I wonder if I should just stay in this weekend instead of go to those three parties people mentioned to me.

I'm really tired. Its only 9:30 PM and I feel I could fall asleep in this chair. I want to work out though before I go to bed and going to bed now isn't healthy since I ate not too long ago. This job does take a lot out of you but I can't think of anything better I'd want to do in the summer. But man this sleep deprivation is getting to me. I think I should start going to bed a bit earlier but I can't yet for her...

Yeah so I met someone. The last girl I guess lost interest in me so we just stopped meeting and hanging out. A shame because she really was a nice girl but maybe I just wasn't her type. Maybe in the future we'll cross paths again.

This new girl whom we shall call "Kat" is really nice. I like her a lot. The way she caresses my face feels so warm. At first I was really nervous talking to her because I couldn't figure out if she was interested or not. But it seems she was more baffled in me being interested in her than vice-versa. I think she is gorgeous but apparently she thinks she isn't?! Although one person did come up to me and basically tell me I could do better. It doesn't matter to me. I like her and people shouldn't get in my business like they have been doing as of late. I pretty much keep to myself yet I'm the talk of the town....as usual it seems.

I've always wondered why humans kissed. I know the scientific reasons behind it but that doesn't come to our minds when we kiss. Sometimes I open my eyes while kissing just to see them. Just watching the girls as we kiss reminds me of one in a trance. They are so focused on the kiss that nothing else matters. Sometimes I have to stop it cause it lasts too long ha ha!

Its just so interesting this kissing. Why does it feel so great? Like sometimes I find myself tapping my foot out of kissing for what I think is too long a time. After we leave though I long for her lips again. It really is an amazing feeling. I wish some of my friends who have never kissed before could experience the feeling. They are missing out on so much. Nothing can replace a kiss. Such an amazing experience.

But why do we get in relationships at such a young age anyway? It seems highly unlikely that most will ever lead to marriage. Maybe that knowledge that someone just wants to hold you makes one feel so special. I know it does for me.

I'm taking Kat to NYC tomorrow. I hope we have a good time. The way she looks at me makes me feel so happy. The only other person I've kissed who looked at me like that was Danielle but that relationship will never be. Work will be a major workout but spending my nights with Kat will make it bearable. That plus the fact that the people there are all generally nice besides being noisy as hell.

So today will be my last day at Rutgers sophomore year. I'm pretty much wasting time at the computer lab. I'm trying to see one last person before I leave and I hope I'm able to hang out since we don't see each other that often to begin with. It was a good year. Better than freshman year. I established who my friends are and made some new ones I plan to keep in contact with.

I tried a lot of new things. Playing the intramurals was great and I'm glad I got back into playing soccer. I still got it in me baby! I'm thinking I might have to start playing forward though instead of defense because that is what always seem to happen anyway. I think I'll join a team come Fall semester on Busch this time because that Cook field was really horrible.

I also finally signed up for Rutgers Model Congress. I'm glad I did that too and finally decided to not put it off for any longer. Even though I was sick it turned out being a great time. Really laid back and I loved it. IDK if I'll be able to do RUMUN because of the soccer but I do plan on doing RMC again in the Spring semester.

So working at the Targum office look like it won't happen. Too much favoritism really. I finally see why Pablo and Scott were so pissed about it and left before me. It really was a lot of crap for so little back. I think I'll write a few editorials here and there when I am bored but I wrote enough for them just for them to spit me out once I ask for something in return.

So my cousin came to join me at Rutgers this year. It seems her life here has been drama ridden day after day. The worst thing that has happened to me at Rutgers these two years is mild compared to what she has gone through. Knowing her I can't give her the benefit of the doubt either as she screws herself and others around her over. I made sure to avoid that stuff with her. Acting like a little child sure has helped me avoid that stuff! I hope she gets an apartment though because I don't think she will be able to handle the commuter life. This is especially true since Clifton is pretty far. For me it really is just down the road from East Brunswick so I'm not too worried.

I really just want to go home now. A lot of people I know have left and I'm just killing so much time here. I can take the bus whenever its just that I really need to see this one friend of mine before I go. Heh its funny how I value that friendship so much even though we see each other maybe up to four times a school year. Whatever. Gotta keep the friendships going!

I am happy but I know next year will not be the same. I'm going to lose contact with some people because of the situation I am in. Others are graduating and I'll probably never see them again. We had a good time together me and those friends. Years from now I can look back on this moment in my life and smile because it was so awesome,funny,sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions.

Thank you guys. Enjoy life.

Rose I'm writing this because I was impressed that you knew I am a Taoist. That along with the fact that I had brought the Tao TehToai Ching and Hua Hu Ching to read in class seems a bit too coincidental.  I was also reading up on some Taoist beliefs last night on the computer. Indeed it has been some time since I had read anything regarding the Tao. Perhaps this is because I am completely at ease with myself these days that I no longer much need to read anything on the Tao as I now practice living such a lifestyle without a second thought.

It has come to my attention that many people think a number of things when it comes to how I live my life. I get the impression that there are feelings of confusion, respect, jealousy, misunderstanding, amongst other things. Regardless of the wording, I think a good synonym for all of these words would be weird. People simply don't understand how I live my life. I've therefore decided to give you a basis as to how I live my life so you all can achieve a better understanding of all the weird things I do.

One of the Taoist teachings to to never take credit for your own actions. There are a lot of things I do without telling anybody because of my humility. That being said, to show how I live my life, I will be speaking of such things. It may come off as sounding cocky at times, but it is only to show you how I follow the Tao.

There are two core beliefs I try to live my life under. These would be communism and Taoism. I will however focus mostly on the Taoist aspect as the communist aspects tend to fit into the Tao.

The Tao teaches us many things which can help better ourselves. The main point I get from the Tao is how to live a healthy and humble life. Many friends and family have called me a health nut because of my eating habits and work out routine. I eat two meals a day and work out alone in my room for an hour each day. I have also ceased drinking and smoking. The Tao teaches not to have things in excess and for all things to be in moderation. It also stresses that your body is a temple that must be respected otherwise it will fall apart. Because of this, I make sure to never be a glutton and I try to avoid unhealthy foods. I haven't had a piece of cake in years. Everyday I see fellow students eating 2-3 plates of food each day, smoking and drinking excessively, and never trying to make up for that by doing any form of exercise. Many students and people in general are naive and believe that they are still going strong and are not aware that the damage being done to them is only noticeable on the inside. Only after years of such abuse will it only then become physically prevalent. Slowly the people gain weight but will not head to the signs until it is too late. They have lost all control over themselves at this point. I work to prevent that from happening to me to the best of my abilities.

My health is excellent because I take things in moderation. My body feels great and the long term benefits of having such good health will keep me positive and happy for years to come. Many of my male counterparts could not walk around with their shirt off without some sense of self-consciousness. I can't say I am one of those people. The Tao teaches us to accept who we are but also to strive towards not giving into our weaknesses. Thus I am comfortable with my body. If these other guys can take off their shirt without a second thought then good for them! I feel many would not be able to honestly say that though.

Being comfortable with one's body brings me to my next point which is humility. Let me address this now. I know that I am a good looking man. The Tao teaches us to accept the pros and cons of ourselves but to never take advantage of them. In regards to this and to my looks, I often can notice when a woman is attracted to me. The opportunity to be with any number of women is apparent to me but I do not take advantage of it. For one thing I am falling in love with a beautiful woman from Cliffside Park. Even though the opportunity to get with many women has been apparent, (and Rose I must thank you greatly for helping me fight these urges off) I have done no such thing. The Tao says that we should not take advantage of a good thing because it will eventually lead to one's downfall. Indeed many good things can go awry because of abuse. My mother suffers from migraine headaches and frequently takes pills for it. It would work fine at first but soon she relied on it to much and the positive effects it had wore off and no longer help her fight off these migraines. I follow this logic in a number of things in my life including my looks. Oftentimes I go to class looking like a slob. The reason for this is that I am comfortable with my appearance. The need to get approval from others ceased a long time ago because I've accepted my flaws and I've accepted my gifts. They may think I look like an idiot but I am happy with my appearance so what they say really has no sway over me. Too many people let others decide how they will react but I try to avoid letting that happen with me. I also usually don't intentionally dress up either unless the need for it arises! This can help prevent possible uncomfortable situations I have found myself in before. I am simply the messy guy in the corner who looks like he has nothing going on for him in his life. That is how I'd like to be seen. Not as some great man because of my looks or my intellect. Their approval or disapproval should not come into play for me.

The next step in my life is honesty. If asked for I will give my honest opinion to most people. I have however been with people who cannot accept advice or even the truth and are much more happy with lies. The Tao teaches that these types of people should be left alone to follow their own paths, walking aimlessly around. If it leads to their downfall, I can at least be at ease with myself because I know that I attempted to help them, even if the truth was bitter and ugly. Then there are others who are more at peace with themselves and know when what someone says is the truth. I can say I am one such person. I've often been accused of being a "preacher" thinking he can help everyone. I accept that advice and am working on ceasing to be like that. I remember hearing a good quote once regarding honesty but I sadly cannot remember who said it. "I once had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical modesty. I chose the former and have seen no need to change ever since." Be truthful to yourself and others I always say!

The final part I wish to speak of is the belief of putting others before yourself. Indeed during my days on the intramural soccer team last semester, if one had asked who sat out most on the bench, that would be me. I always made sure others got their playing time and even allowed players of a much lower level to play more than me. I did this to ensure their happiness and thus my happiness as well. This is just one example of the many humble things I do. During the summer I volunteer at two camps back to back. Many people do it simply for community service hours but that never once came up in my mind when I do the camps. I do it just to do it really. I don't have any deep or profound reasonings behind why I do it. I just like it thats all. Not many people can say they would clean up human feces without a second thought but I've been in that situation and done it. Doing this isn't for everyone though and if you are just doing it merely for the service hours, then you need to set your priorities on what is important in life. I had one woman rudely ask me once if I had done more community service hours than anyone in the room. To this I truthfully said yes. Not because I was arrogant, but because I was being honest and told the truth. People try to do these selfless acts but always find themselves making excuses for themselves by saying they don't have the time or they need to work for money. I don't make excuses for my actions. I just do it.

Honesty, modesty, humility and good health. These are the four beliefs I try to follow. It has shaped me into who I am. Everyday I wake up happy because of what I have made myself. I am happy even with my flaws even though I work to prevent them from impeding on me. People let themselves be held back from doing a number of things because of fear. Just learn to be comfortable with yourself and you shall see everything go your way.  The Taoist does not do anything. He lets others believe they did it themselves. You can say the role of the Taoist is to give someone a unnoticeable nudge forward. These are just a few of many examples of how I live my life. If you're curious, you can ask me how I've "nudged" you in the past. You probably didn't notice it at all! And with that I leave you with the wise words of Lao Tzu.

7

Heaven is long-enduring and earth continues long. The reason
why heaven and earth are able to endure and continue thus long is
because they do not live of, or for, themselves. This is how they are
able to continue and endure.

Therefore the sage puts his own person last, and yet it is found in
the foremost place; he treats his person as if it were foreign to him,
and yet that person is preserved. Is it not because he has no
personal and private ends, that therefore such ends are realised?

So it seems I have been fighting off a cold for a few days now. It really sucks because I've chosen not work out and stress my body out. It is probably best if I just let my body relax for a day or two. It has been through a lot this whole week actually. Rose got sick as well so I assume she either got it from me or someone in our Spanish 203 class. Oh well. Sorry Rose although I doubt she'll even read this.

I'm just laying in bed right now waiting for the night to end. I'll make some calls later. I know it probably best to let my throat rest but I gotta talk to some people soon. I have been so busy as of late that I can't give that person enough attention as I'd hope I could. Its hard enough as is with the distance gap.

April is the best month of the year but it has also been the most busy it seems. I mean most of the time I'm at leisure but there always seems like something that needs to be done. Its not like before where I just do things a week later so I don't need to fret. No it seems lately I've actually pulled the work off until last minute. Its still getting done but just not the same pace as before.

So I took part in the drag show last Thursday. That was a great night. So much stuff happened and then some. I'm starting to realize my full potential. Well I always knew but damn I guess I just took it to another level. The question is if I let the modesty kick in. I don't think it necessary at the moment but it may come up sooner or later.

Like this whole week has been busy. Let me think. Sunday night I was returning to Rutgers from the race and getting that article done. Got it done and it was all good.

Monday I had the three classes and de facto 4th class as usual so that kept me busy. Um Tuesday I think I got a lot of work done. I also had to go to office hours for computer science. The guy was nice but I think he wasn't so sure of the material and when I went to the teacher it seemed like what the TA had said was just wrong. I can't remember if I did anything that night but I remember myself feeling busy. That is pretty rare for a Tuesday.

Wednesday was busy. I had the two classes that day. Heh I planned this day so good. So I went to the two classes. Accidently saw Zazil which was nice. She is going to Mexico soon so I must see her again before she leaves. That was nice. Then after class I worked out and then got my papers done. Then I went with my cousin to the LUL probate. Intense stuff and as usual, I was reminded of why I don't fit in with the Hispanic crowd at Rutgers. I could never do that fraternity stuff. I'm too proud I guess although going through that torture was admirable I guess. Thursday morning I woke up with a sore throat which is a bad sign. I made it through the whole day though with the help of some cough drops. Then I had the drag show and the fun afterparty.

Friday was supposed to be lax but it wasn't. I foolishly got a virus onto the computer so I had to spend a hefty few hours making sure my computer was going to live. Then I had to work out and then I had to go to Dan and Lauren's wedding. That was neat. After that I hung with Rachel for a while. Afterwards Harmoni wanted to chat so we had a nice talk for a bit. Then I had to go to that slumber party. That was a lot of fun but I felt so tired by then. I bounced after two hours of great fun. Cat putting makeup on me was awesome and man I fell straight to sleep once I jumped on that comfy bed.

As should be expected, today was a busy day as well. Had to wake up at 9:30 in the morning. I remember waking up and wondering why I had put the alarm on and then remembering I had to go to that RMC meeting. So I get up and try to take the makeup off with little success. So I go to the meeting with smeared makeup on me. Surprise surprise. The meeting was neat although I thought it was too long. Luckily my sick body didn't act up either so I was straight. Afterwards I didn't get much time to relax because I had to catch a bus to my father's house. The cool bus driver was driving today. I should start a conversation with him sometime because he seems smart. Heck even when I got to my father's house I couldn't relax cause my father said it was time to eat. Kind of annoyed me though cause I thought we were eating as a family and I didn't want to be rude but it ended up being just him and me eating.

Heck my father is so paranoid. He must think I'm such a weird kid. He saw the smeared makeup on and he threw a little pout. So annoying cause he keeps asking me if I'm gay and I've told him plenty of time. Heck I've been so blunt with that fact but he still thinks the opposite. Haha man it was kinda funny when I think of it.

But yeah after I ate I had to go interview some people for the article due for my News Reporting and Writing class. That family is pretty fond of me. Sometimes I wonder if the man wishes his son was more like me because it doesn't seem like the two have much in common and really like the son has so much more opportunities than me but doesn't seem to take advantage of them. Whats the dealio?

Well after that I guess I was able to relax a little. I can't get much work done when I'm at this house but I did get all the Spanish work done. Thats all I can really do at the moment when I think of it. I mean there is always work I can do but there is no rush. So I'm just sitting on the computer doing my thing. I think I'll go to bed at 11 and try to get a complete rest for once.

And for the finale, I leave here a picture of me in a woman's suit with my friend Lauren.

Last Name

First Name
Sex/
Age

Bib

Team

City

State
Overall
Place
Gender
Place
Age
Place
Finish
Time
Pace/
Mile
AG
Time AG
Gender
Place

AG %
PENA AASIIN M19 1834 EAST BRUNSWICK NJ 892 776 15 29:58 7:29 29:20 1028 57.4 %

Man why didn't they have the three mile post put up? That screwed me up a few valuable seconds. Also man figures I had to go use the bathroom halfway through the race. Dropping beats is just not cool during a race. I was able to wait until after I finished but the feeling was such a nuisance.

Still a good run overall. Placed 15 out of 90 people in my age bracket. Feels so cash.

So I went to go see The Watchmen last night. I was actually pretty tired since I had been up since 7:30 AM and had gone hiking in Pennsylvania. My friend had called me before so I did not want to leave her hanging since she wanted to see me.

So I call her and she suggests going to see The Watchmen. It kind of surprised me she wanted to see that since she isn't one of those types who would like such a movie. I asked her if she knew what the movie was about and she said yes. I was kind of skeptical about that but whatever. I'm too tired to go driving so I ask her to give me a ride and I'd help with gas money. She is like fine and its all good.

This is when she gets annoying. So we're in the car and it is obvious she has no idea what the movie is about. Mind you I am pretty childish. I'm almost 20 years old and I still watch Pokemon. She is childish also but she is 24 and unlike me, doesn't know when to act mature or childish. I can talk for hours about Pokemon but can just as easily talk for an hour about politics. She can't do that. So then I get worried cause I know she will not appreciate the movie and it will just come out from one ear to the other.

So we get there right. I buy my ticket and then she looks at me and says "I should have told you earlier but I don't have any money."

WTF???!!!

This just gets me pissed. Why the hell is someone so stupid as to not bring money to the movies. This was no damn date and I hadn't paid for her before. I said I would give her gas money but that was it. Man I was so angry but I kept my cool. So I simply grab the five dollars for gas money I  gave her and bought the ticket. 24 years old and pulling that BS on a 19 yr old? Girl was nuts.

The movie was great but I knew she did not enjoy it at all. She kept making squimish sounds whenever a violent scene was taking place. There was one particularly violent scene when Walter is in the prison and she actually asked me to tell me when it was over. This whole time I'm thinking to myself "Why did she even want to come to this movie if she is going to act like this." She kept on looking at me too. I refused to do that junk either. I know she digs me like that but I ain't interested and at this point I want to enjoy this movie instead of getting angry.

I tried talking to her about the movie afterwards but it was obvious it was one of those forgetable nights for her. Girl didn't understand the complexity of the movie. I asked her if she thought anybody had to die and she was like "NO!". Such a naive concept of the world. I have plenty of friends who have that mindset but those friends don't go off asking me to see movies like the Watchmen.

IDK why I hanged with her. I feel like she just doesn't care and wants to live in her own fantasy world with Disney princesses. Her myspace page makes it look like she is five years old! I know its cool to be a kid sometimes but she acts like that wayyyy too much. She kept telling me how she wanted to see all the Disney movies coming out. Come on now...... There comes a limit ya know.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on her but she has done junk that should've stopped midway through the teenage years. I've been seeing too much stupid lately by people who haven't grown up so maybe that made me a bit more annoyed at her. Like how the hell we gonna go somewhere and then we need to go back because a friend was left behind when the girl knew her friend was coming? Whats up with that?

You know people always call me lazy and childish but when it comes to mature things like getting stuff on time, they don't got nothing on me. I know how to separate the two things.

Before in Virginia Beach two years ago

Now while at Rutgers University

Man I can't believe how different I look from two years ago. It is amazing how a simple workout could change me so much. I was such a skinny dude back in high school but now I'm actually getting somewhat built up!

A good reason probably is since I don't work at Cedar Crest anymore, the steady supply of food hasn't been present all around me. Another thing though must be how committed I was to running during the summertime and whenever possible really. Being persistent with that has changed me without my even noticing. Not only that but I've greatly reduced the amount of food I eat now as well. I realized that having all that excess food just wasn't healthy for you. I've seen people I know in high school gain a lot of weight when they went to college but for me I've actually got more fit! I actually lost weight too. I have to check a scale sometime though to see what my weight is. Needless to say this muscle might have put a few pounds on me. Regardless until it warms up I will just keep doing the hour workouts. They sai you need to work out at least two hours a day if you wanna lose weight so I figure working out an hour would help maintain what you already got which is exactly what I want.

I remember back in the day being worried about gaining too much muscle because that could turn into fat quite easily. I gotta say though that this regiment I got going on works pretty well and as long as I keep with it, I should be able to maintain this petit figure of mine. No complaints.

    There was once a time when the parrot wasn't so colorful. In fact, the parrot was once as dark as the night sky. So much so that it was always impossible to see them even under a full moon. The only way you could tell there was a parrot around was when it laughed and challenged you to find him. This was of course impossible since the parrot was so black nad knowing this made him laugh the night away. The parrot however, took advantage of his appearance and thanks to this, soon lost his black coat because of that very arrogance. This is the story of how their beautiful colors came to be.
    A long time ago, parrots lived all over the world. A night would not go by in which a parrot's laugh would not be heard at night boasting of being invisible to all. A few of the bolder parrots would even steal from the other animals and almost always got away with it. They soon grew to numbers so vast that it wasn't just one parrot screaming away at night but hundreds. Inconsiderate of other animals, the parrot would talk night, intentionally keeping all the other animals awake.
    One day all the animals had had enough and got together in the afternoon, the usual timethe parrots would not be awake, and talked of what to do. Many of the other animals had tried to stop the parrots before but to no avail. Not only were they as black as the night, but they were also very clever. They were never easily duped.
    All the animals knew that only the crow was as clever as the parrot but the crows always kept to themselves. They had not even gone to the meeting because of their seclusive nature. Crows always avoided any conflict with the other animals, even with parrots although that usually wasn't possible.
    even when all the animals went together to find the crows, the crows refused to have anything to do with the issue.
    "The parrots may annoy you, but we tolerate them, because that is how they have always been," said the leader of the crows.
    Rejected, all the animals went home, ready for another noisy night with the parrots.
    The conversation between the animals and the crows however, was heard by a parrot who had been sleeping nearby and had been awoken by the talking. When night came he went to tell the other parrots and soon they all knew about it.
    Instead of leaving the crows alone, as the crows would have wanted, the parrots decided to play a little trick on them. Even though the crow was just as clever as the parrot, they always felt that no one could possibly be their equal. They even hated the fact that the crows had black feathers and would always compare their feathers to prove that theirs were darker.
    There was still a few weeks left of Winter and unlike the parrots, the crows had saved up enough food to make it through the winter with plenty to spare. Thanks to the curiosity of some of the parrots, they knew that the crows hid their food in a cave high up in the mountains where it would be difficult for others to get.
    That night, after the crows had gone to rest, the parrots went to the cave and began stealing the food. It was only after the third day of this happening that the crows realized what was going on although they didn't have the slightest clue who could be stealing the food. Worried that they might not have enough food for the rest of the winter, the leader of the crows brought them all together to think of a plan.
    It was suggested that they post guards in front of the cave but crows, being the peaceful animals that they were, wished to avoid any possible violence. Moving the food to another location was too risky also and they had no idea of anywhere else to place the food. Finally the leader of the crows thought of a plan.
    "We shall place all the fruits near the front so that the next day we shall find out who had been stealing our food," he said.
    The fruits of yesterday are not like how they are today. If eaten enough, fruits could permanently change an animal's skin color. That is why so many animals can be seen with different colored fur and feathers.
    The crows thought that this was a good plan and went up to the cave and placed all their fruits in the front so that they would be the first eaten. Then they went to their nests and rested for the night, eager to see who the culprits were.
    That night as usual, the parrots went up to the cave and began to eat and steal the food. Despite being so clever, the parrots were careless and never bothered to learn of the world around them which left them oblivious to what the fruits could do. Being gluttons, they had a feast that night with the fruits and other foods. Soon the feathers of the parrots started to change colors. Parrots who had eaten apples turned red, banana lovers turned yellow, and much more. They didn't notice however and soon left the cave with plenty of time left in the night to annoy the other animals.
    Some of the parrots went off to scare some bears. Before, parrots had been so dark and small that they could be standing right next to anybody and not be noticed. Together the parrots all got really close to the bears and started to mock the bears. When the bears awoke, they all quickly noticed the parrots who were bragging about how the bears could do nothing to stop them. They were quickly scared away though when the bears charged at them and barely missed being eaten. Confused, they all flew away.
    Some of their parrots found some bears sleeping next to their dam. When the parrots landed on the finished dam, they quickly went on with their usual antics. When the beavers awoke though, they saw the culprits mocking their dam and quickly went to work.
    Thanks to the quick work of the beavers, the river flooded and nearly with he parrots alongside it. Confused as to how they had seen seen, they returned to their nest.
    Similar events had gone on all night. When the parrots returned to their nest later that night, they all talked about their late night failures. It wasn't until sunrise however, that the parrots realized that their black feathers were gone, replaced with all the colors of the rainbow.
    The parrots tried to continue living life as they had before but now that the other animals could see them at night, that was impossible. Humiliated, all the parrots eventually flew off to live in the rain forest where they could easily blend in.
    With the parrots gone all the animals rejoiced. They all asked one question though.
    "Who had tricked the parrots?"
    And all alone amongst themselves, the crows had a good laugh.

The little girl goes up to her mother and asks
"What is a kiss?"
And to this a smile comes to her mother's face
As floods of the past seep back into her memory
"What is a kiss" the mother says
A kiss is what makes us one.
Two lips blending together
Making it impossible to tell there was once two
Eyes close as instinct takes over
And all you focus on is the skin
That you can only feel
and touch
and ponder
If love was an action
Would it be this?
"Love is"
The mother begins to say
But then realizes the daughter
Bored of her mother's daydreams
Runs off to play with her friend
Who is a boy
And then the mother ponders
If love was an action
Would it be that?

I had to write a myth for my Spanish 204 class and this is what I came up with. Some of the accents are missing because I don't know how to put them on the computer. Writing this was a bit of a drag actually.

Hay una vez que el papagayo no era tan colorado.  De hecho, el papagayo estaba tan obscure como el cielo de la noche.  Era tan como asi que era imposible a verles aún bajo una luna llena.  Solo puedes si habia un papagayo era cuando reiaba y retaba a encontrarle.  Claro que si que el papagayo era demasiado negro y el lo sabia.  Sin embargo, el papagayo tomaba ventaja de su aparencia y pronto perdido sus negro emplumas porque era muy arrogante.  Esto es el cuento del papagayo y sus plumas.

Muchos antes, los papagayos vivian en todos los partes del mundo.  No una noche pasaba sin las rias del papagayos y las jactancias de que los papagayos eran invisibles.  Un poco de las papagayos mas braves hacian robar la comida de los otros animals y siempre no serian agarrados.  Sin animales de rapina para comerles, los papagayos crecian a numeros tan grande que pronto no era un papagayo gritando en la noche pero centenares.  Desconsiderado a los otros animales los papagayos habian hablado todo la noche, mantener muchos de los otros animales se despiertan.

Un día que todos los animales habían tenido suficiente y se juntado por la tarde, los tiempos usuales los loros no estarían despiertos, y hablados de lo que hacer. Muchos de los otros animales habían tratado de parar los loros en vano. No sólo fueron ellos apagan como la noche, pero ellos fueron también muy listos. Ellos fueron nunca fácilmente duped.

Todos los animals sabian que solamente el cuervo era tan inteligente como el papagayo pero nunca hablaba con los otros.  Los cuervos no habia ido al reunion!  Cuervos siempre evitaba ningun conflictos con los otros animals, inclusive los loros aunque no fuera tan exitoso usualmente.

Aún cuando los animales fueron a pedir la ayuda de los cuervos, ellos se negaron y dijeron que ellos desearon nada que ver con el asunto.

“Los papagayos les molestan, pero les toleramos porque este es como ellos son,” dijo el jefe de los cuervos.

Rechazado, todos los animals salieron a sus domicilios, listo para una otra noche riudo con los papagayos.

La conversación entre los animales y los cuervos sin embargo fue oído por un papagayo que había estado durmiendo cerca y había sido despertado por el hablar. Cuándo la noche vino él fue a decir los otros loros y pronto todos supieron.

En vez de la partida de los cuervos solo, los papagayos decidieron que jugar una chiste Chiquita a ellos.  Ellos sabian que los cuervos eran tan inteligente como ellos, pero siempre sentian que nadie era igualmente a ellos.  Odiaban que los cuervos tenian negro emplumas tambien.

Aun tenian tres semanas hasta el fin del invierno y al contrario de los papagayos, los cuervos obtenian bastante comida para a sobrevivir.  Gracias al curiosidad de algunos de los papagayos, ellos sabian donde los cuervos pusieron su comida para el invierno.  Pusieron en una cueva muy alto en las montanas donde era dificil encontrarlo.

Esta noche, despues de cuando los cuervos se durmian, los papagayos fueron a la cueva y empezaron robar la comida.  Pasaron tres dias hasta los cuervos realizaban que pasaba pero no sabian quien estaba robando la comida.

Fue sugerido que ellos anuncian a guardias delante de la cueva pero los cuervos que son pájaros pacíficos deseados evitar alguna violencia posible.  Mover la comida al otro lugar era muy peligroso tambien y no sabian donde pudieron poner la comida.  Finalmente el jefe de los cuervos penso de una idea.

“Vamos poner todas las frutas en el frente de la comida y entonces sabemos quien roba nuestra comida,” el dijo.

Las frutas de ayer no eran como son hoy.  Si comio bastante, las frutas puedan cambiar el color de los animales permanentemente.  Este es la razon porque muchos de los animales de hoy tienen colores diferentes.

Los cuervos pensaron que era una bien idea y fueron a la cueva a poner todas las frutas en el frente para los criminales comerlos primero.  Despues ellos regresaron a sus nidos y descansaron por la noche, ansioso de ver quién los culpables fueron.

Esta noche, los papagayos fueron a la cueva a robar la comida.  A pesar de es listo, los loros nunca supieron de lo que comiendo O que muchas frutas podrían hacer a las plumas y porque ellos son glotones, ellos lo comieron todo.  Pronto, todas las plumas de los papagayos empezaron a cambiar sus colores.  Papagayos que comieron manzanas cambiaron a rojo, platanos a armarillo, y mas.  Ellos no avisaron el cambio y salieron la cueva, con tiempo en la noche para molestar los otros animales.

Unos de los papagayos fueron a asustar los osos.  Antes, los papagayos eran tan obscuro que ellos pueden sentar proximo a los animales y ellos nunca lo sabian.  Los papagayos les mofaron pero cuando los osos se despertaron, ellos vieron los papagayos!  Los papagayos tenian miedo cuando los osos cargaronlos. 

Los acontecimientos semejantes habían pasado toda la noche.  Cuando los papagayos regresaron a sus nidos despues, discutieron de todo que paso.  No sabian que pasaron con sus plumas hasta la salida del sol.  Ya realizaron que sus negro emplumas estaba ido y ahora tienen al arco iris en sus plumas.

Ellos trataron de continuar la vida viva como ellos tuvieron antes pero ahora que los animales los podrían ver de noche, fueron imposible.  Eventualmente, todos los papagayos salieron a vivir en el llueva bosque donde ellos podrían mezclar fácilmente en con sus alrededores.

Con los papagayos ido, los animales festaron pero preguntaron quién los engañó.

Y todo solo entre sí mismos, los cuervos se rieron mucho.

Last Name

First Name
Sex/
Age

Bib

Team

City

State
Overall
Place
Gender
Place
Age
Place
Finish
Time
Pace/
Mile
AG
Time AG
Gender
Place

AG %
OWENS EDDIE M15 655 BROOKLYN NY 18 16 1 22:47 5:41 21:06 13 79.8 %
BENZAID YOUNESS M16 6036 WSX L.I..C. NY 32 29 2 23:22 5:50 22:00 28 76.5 %
LA ROCCA PAUL M18 555 RKTS STATEN ISLAND NY 35 32 3 23:26 5:51 22:39 52 74.3 %
IBOY KEVIN M17 191 WSX ASTORIA NY 60 55 4 24:32 6:08 23:25 87 71.9 %
MANN DAVID M15 652 NEW YORK NY 133 122 5 25:48 6:27 23:54 105 70.4 %
FRANCIS PETER M18 6868 IRUN JACKSON HTS NY 136 125 6 25:48 6:27 24:56 184 67.5 %
KOGAN TOMER M15 954 BROOKLYN NY 152 139 7 25:55 6:28 24:00 114 70.1 %
TAUB ERIC M19 511 NEW YORK NY 183 167 8 26:17 6:34 25:43 262 65.4 %
BHATTI MUEDASSAR M17 6843 IRUN ASTORIA NY 256 231 9 27:00 6:45 25:47 278 65.3 %
CARIñO OMAR M15 453 RRFT New York NY 356 318 10 27:42 6:55 25:40 254 65.6 %
RAMIREZ JAVIER M15 466 RRFT New York NY 361 323 11 27:45 6:56 25:42 260 65.5 %
DIPIETRO STEPHEN M M15 1876 STATEN ISLAND NY 368 330 12 27:48 6:57 25:45 269 65.4 %
MADEY CONRAD M15 567 CARLE PLACE NY 426 382 13 28:09 7:02 26:05 319 64.6 %
GUTIERREZ CHRISTOPHER M16 1251 BROOKLYN NY 475 422 14 28:25 7:06 26:45 410 62.9 %
HERNANDEZ ADOLFO M15 460 RRFT New York NY 493 435 15 28:33 7:08 26:27 371 63.6 %
ULCENA GAMEJ M17 1686 HSSI New York NY 561 493 16 29:03 7:15 27:44 581 60.7 %
PENA AASIN M19 882 EAST BRUNSWICK NJ 575 506 17 29:05 7:16 28:28 729 59.1 %
TENEBRUSO MICHAEL M17 1611 WOODHAVEN NY 611 540 18 29:14 7:18 27:55 617 60.3 %
SALCEDO ISRAEL M19 6912 IRUN JACKSON HTS NY 615 543 19 29:16 7:19 28:39 770 58.8 %
ROSSMAN HARRY M15 2904 BROOKLYN NY 689 604 20 29:37 7:24 27:26 528 61.4 %
WU ZHANG BIN M18 1875 837 722 21 30:18 7:34 29:18 916 57.5 %
CHEN XIAO M18 1766 BROOKLYN NY 842 726 22 30:18 7:34 29:18 917 57.5 %
O'CONNOR DAVID M19 2840 ANDOVER NJ 1250 1019 23 31:51 7:57 31:10 1298 54.0 %
MENDEZ DAVID M15 461 RRFT New York NY 1324 1069 24 32:05 8:01 29:43 1001 56.6 %
CLARKE MAURICE M15 891 331 New York NY 1332 1074 25 32:06 8:01 29:44 1002 56.6 %
FLORES EMIGDIN M18 458 RRFT New York NY 1427 1134 26 32:25 8:06 31:20 1341 53.7 %
EUGENIO JONATHAN M16 456 RRFT New York NY 1429 1136 27 32:26 8:06 30:32 1163 55.1 %
RUSCICA-AMAN CALIN M17 1852 KATONAH NY 1791 1346 28 33:33 8:23 32:02 1486 52.5 %
MARIN OSWALDO M16 840 BROOKLYN NY 1950 1435 29 34:02 8:30 32:03 1487 52.5 %
GARCIA JULIO M19 842 NORTH BERGEN NJ 2039 1489 30 34:14 8:33 33:30 1761 50.2 %
BOYLE CORRY M15 3758 ANDOVER NJ 2066 1504 31 34:20 8:35 31:48 1441 52.9 %
JUAREZ ANGEL M16 808 STATEN ISLAND NY 2845 1896 32 36:39 9:09 34:31 1927 48.8 %
DIONICIO EDWIN M15 4156 ELMHURST NY 3141 2031 33 37:29 9:22 34:43 1967 48.5 %
KOUDELKA ZDENEK M17 2359 NEW YORK NY 3222 2071 34 37:44 9:26 36:02 2161 46.7 %
ROSENFIELD BENJAMIN M16 4543 METUCHEN NJ 3696 2265 35 39:15 9:48 36:58 2273 45.5 %
GUERRERO HILARIO M16 5688 RRFT New York NY 4084 2390 36 40:59 10:14 38:36 2431 43.6 %
CHEONG JENSEN M15 6096 MIDDLE VILLAGE NY 4809 2618 37 46:41 11:40 43:15 2639 38.9 %
SEVILLA MARCO M15 468 RRFT New York NY 5019 2681 38 50:24 12:36 46:42 2694 36.0 %

So I let curiosity get the best at me and looked at D's myspace page. I realized after five minutes or so my cursing out is nothing but mere jealousy. I'm over this chick but I can't help but get upset that I was used like that by her.

I really thought I had a chance with her. How the hell could I have ever thought that? We really have nothing in common. But still...for a while a was deeply infatuated with her.

I looked at her boyfriend's page too. My jealousy must be bad because I was constantly thinking of how much better I am than him. I felt with each glance of his profile that the guy was just another failure in life going nowhere. Not only that but whats up with the Cthulu and Satan worship on his page? That sort of mentality is wrong though and I quickly corrected myself. The thought though is still in the back of my mind.

It was wrong to think that I could woo her by my security. The fact that I am a steady individual, something she never had before in her life. I could have been there for her whenever she needed something and actually be there for her in a safe and secure way. Everyone else supports her damn unhealthy habits and it felt like I was the only one who gave a shit. I'm out here getting a real education, building a future for myself, and not only that, but we were both physically interested in each other. What more could a girl want from a guy?

Kinda weird though because one of the pictures that I saw of him he really does look quite handsome but in the others he looks like a fat emo kid so I really have no idea what the guy looks like. Seems like D is happy with him though and lol I hate to say that, but I'm glad there is someone there who can make her smile. I wanted to be that person but she never had any interest in that it seems.

Time to move on.

Ya estoy en Rutgers por dos anos ahora. Me gusta la universidad pero me falta mi casa mas. Que me gusta de Rutgers es que la universidad es en New Brunswick. New Brunswick is parece Paterson, donde yo vivo. La cuidad es lleno de Hispanos y cuando yo camino affuera, es como yo estoy en Paterson. Puedo hablar con los Hispanos en Espanol y ellos nunca piensan que soy un estudiante de Rutgers.
Me gusta Rutgers pero gente piensa que yo soy extrano porque vivo en Demarest. Demarest es un dormitorio de los yiyis. Es la verdad que hay muchos yiyis en Demarest pero hay personas “normales” tambien. Hay una cultura rica en Demarest que es muy dificil encontrar en los otro dormitorios en Rutgers. Todas las personas se conocen. Yo no cambiaria donde yo vivo para nada.
En el proximo ano tengo que comutar a Rutgers. No tengo bastante dinero para vivir en Rutgers por dos anos mas. Soy triste pero ire a vivir con mi papa en East Brunswick. Es no muy lejos a viajar a Rutgers y me salva mucho dinero para el futuro.
Estoy estudiando periodismo y espanol para mis concetraciones. Quiero vivir en Colombia cuando termine aqui. Mi familia me dijieron que es muy peligroso vivir en Colombia pero no me importa. Necesito hacer algo para mi pais que es no posible hacer aqui en New Jersey. Tengo miedo pero tengo que pelear contra eso.
Estoy contento con mi vida. Hay nada que quiero cambiar. Tengo un bien familia, amigos, y mas. Mi salud esta bien y tengo mucho confidencio. Estoy listo para el futuro.

Its amazing how much I have changed in these few years. I used to be so politically active and now I can care less. I still keep on top of things and if ever asked on politics I could muster an argument, but I just grow tired of doing it. It doesn't motivate me like it used too and I hate how it always turns personal.

I guess I'm just tired of the fighting, I'd much rather have a smile on my face rather than getting fed up with all the conflicts around the world. I'm not even motivated to write my political propaganda like I used to be. I guess I have moved on.

I just want to laugh and take it easy. Life has been better that way it seems.

I love how it looks! I thought it would be much more distinct but the fact that it is so subtle makes me love it even more. People need to actually look at it to notice it but that makes it even cooler I think.

I really love how it looks. I am glad I tried this. There is so many things I've yet to try and this has inspired me to be even more open to change.

So tomorrow I am going to dye my hair red. It is going to be interesting seeing what it looks like. I really love changing my hair styles a lot it seems. I wonder why I never tried dying my hair sooner. I guess the fear aspect of being criticized was still present in high school and I never thought much of it my first year at Rutgers. Regardless it is going to be an interesting experience.

I wonder what my family will think. No doubt they will probably disapprove especially my grandfather. If he knew how open I was to trying new things he'd become so ashamed of me I would imagine. Well whatever. I only have two years left before any signs of childhood need to be erased away anyway. Might as well make up for lost time in high school.

Don't read this. It is very arrogant of me.

You know you're fly but its not what you wanted. You get what you want everyday while girls flash their eyelids hoping for at least a smiling glance. Guys do also but you don't take much fancy in that. Others look on in jealousy but are too proud to admit it. If only they knew how insecure you were and tired of being judged positively. For once you wish someone would just call you ugly in all honesty but thats nearly impossible it seems. Even through the messy hair and bad clothing styles do they see whats behind that thin mask.

That idea of popularity overriding good looks is gone now. You've realized that most would have slept with you had you not been yourself; honest and trying to commit yourself to something real. Those mocking laughs at you would turn to lustful murmurs as you walked away downtrodden. That life of lies that was high school has now changed to the truth and reality that causes you to turn away in how ugly and fake it is. Plastic surgery couldn't disguise how ugly it really can be.

People watch what they say to you for that desperate look of approval from you, as if you're the answer to all of their problems. Your once dubious self now catches on when someone makes a move yet you don't know how to react, dumbstruck because love hasn't hit and has stood behind fear for all these years.

You mostly care little about your appearance these days for how ashamed you are of how others look at you. What shames you even more is that guilty pleasure you give yourself to feel superior to others. If someone had said anything positive about you in high school you would merely have laughed it off. Another mockery to that insecure good looking boy who never inquires as to why all of his friends are girls.

But that guilty pleasure! Oh how much joy it brings out to your face as you realize that this smiling girl in front of you would like that affectionate kiss instead of your affectionate hug. That guilty pleasure of denying them that kiss because you realize they care little about the pages in the book. You know you could be a snob and get away with it but even you have some limits. You merely move on and wait...wait until it comes.

Please call me ugly. Call my body, my mind, and my soul repugnant. Only then can I love you.