Aasin

I'm usually either very calm or easily excited. Either way I'm hardly ever pissed off or show any negative emotions. To most people, I am constantly in high spirits and in a good mood.

The thing is that during my teenage years I learned to be pretty good at hiding my feelings and not speaking up. I learned how to control it and only spoke up when spoken to. It has led to a lot of possible issues not coming up.

However, and there always is a however, I'm getting increasingly tired of the rubbish I see out of people everyday. I've been conditioning myself hard not to speak up and badmouth these fools for the things they are doing. I have, in essence, learned to let things slide.

There have been a lot of instances lately where I've been on the verge of getting all up on people's faces and getting them for being so selfish, greedy, stupid, and whatever the hell else you want to do. I've tried to be as objective as hell and treat others as I would want to be treated. I try to think of how I would feel if I were in their shoes.

The thing is though, that I'm not ever in such a situation. I'm trying to think when someone could have gotten in my face and told me when I was in the wrong and have been right. The closest I can think of is Cat being upset at me over my alarm in them making a payment for a house for next year. I guess you could say that would be one instance but that is the best I can conjure up in my head.

I'm talking about getting in people's faces for acting like little kids. Without going into too much detail, sometime ago I was approached by an individual looking for help on some things for charity. I gave this person some options on what could be done. Very feasible options I might add. However, and this is my opinion, after a while it became apparent to me that this person wanted to do this charity thing just to make this person look good. There was no reason this person could not have worked with the options I had given. After all ITS ABOUT THE CHARITY NOT ABOUT DOING IT ON YOUR OWN JUST TO FUEL YOUR EGO.

When I told the person bluntly that this was what I could offer, the individual said thanks but that is not what was wanted.

Such utter crap. Way to show your true colors. Seems to me you don't give much concern for the whole charity cause in the first place.

The other instance that happened recently is that my friend got written up. Why? I really don't understand the logic. Apparently someone saw me in a dorm.

You know what, this story is too stupid to even finish. I'll tell you know one thing though. Its pretty damn obvious this person did it out of pure jealousy. I was just minding my own business but someone saw fit to start a stupid quarrel and made some bullshit to get my friend in trouble because of me.

I'm growing really fed up at seeing these kids in college. I can't wait until reality bites them in the ass. Although if someone wants to be a little hypocritical waste of life, I'll go on telling them the truth.

I've been watching this video Shakira made called "Lo hecho esta hecho" and I must say this video is amazing. The choreography for this video is some of the best I've ever seen. Its amazing to see how Shakira and the guy doing flips around a bed could so much seem like they are fighting. Not only that, but some of the flips and turns they are doing take a lot of skill. Towards the end of this video this guy does this jump so high thats just so impressive.

Seeing that video makes me want to learn how to do this stuff. I'm in the best shape of my life ever since I decided to expand my exercising outside of running. I've become so good at running that I hadn't bothered to focus on any other workouts. I feel as if I've conquered all that I wanted with running. I'm on the verge of breaking twenty minute 5ks and honestly if I lived in a warmer state where running outside everyday was an option, I'd probably have broken that by now. Now that I've become good at that, I want to get better with things that can impress people I feel. Besides races, there isn't many occasions where my speed would come in handy. The only instance that comes to mind is during a dodgeball tournament last year where our opponent pitted his fastest guy against me and I beat him to the ball. Gave him a salute and it felt good. Being in good shape inflates your ego but it isn't as if you can't back it up.

I tried practicing doing handstands today. The longest I was able to get was 5 seconds which is commendable seeing that I just started this today. The only thing was that my back would start to hurt but I imagine I'll get over it once I get my form correct. I think I'll try and keep this up. Part of me always wanted to do backflips but I've been a bit terrified of screwing up. I've seen people fall on their necks and getting paralyzed is one of my fears in life. Because of that I can't even get the nerve to do a flip in a pool. In the video the guy at one point supports his body using his neck. That seems like a recipe for disaster to me. This is however, a fear I want to try and overcome someday.

Its times like these that I wish things weren't so expensive. I really enjoy rock climbing and have wanted to get into gymnastics but the costs have put me off. One of the reasons I got so good at running was because it was free and I could do it anywhere! Rock climbing though is an expensive hobby and so is going for gymnastics. This stuff is free at Rutgers but I hadn't taken much advantage of it. I usually go off and play soccer haha! Not only that but I graduate in 2011 and once that happens I can no longer use it. I don't want to get into something and then find myself suddenly needing to pay money to keep it up. Doesn't seem worth it to me which is why running always wins out.

I've been looking up these "how to" videos on youtube. They have been very beneficial in helping me improve myself from the comfort of home. Some workouts I've gotten from youtube and have been great. I think a lot of people could save a lot of money and excuses by doing what I do. There are certain advantages of working out in a gym but in the long run investing in a few tools and you could work out whenever you feel like. I've hardly worked out ever in a gym but rather at home. My form for handstands I got from youtube as well.

If I accomplish these handstands, I'll be sure to put it on youtube.

So I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist yesterday. An enjoyable movie except for the sex scene which was not necessary but thats another topic entirely. There was one scene where the two are talking in the car and Norah asks Nick if he is straightedge since he doesn't smoke or drink like her. I did a fist punch in the air when she did that. Straightedge for the win! However when she asked him, he said he didn't subscribe himself to labels.

And then I stopped and thought.

Why does everyone always want to be so unique? What Nick was doing was straightedge but he felt the need to disassociate himself from that group of like minded individuals.

The thing is that I see this all the time. People are always trying to describe themselves as unique minded and different than everyone else around them. Why? Is there some sense of superiority in being different?

Being at Rutgers I see this a lot more than I did in high school, especially in the crowd I found myself surrounded in there. To be honest it reminds me of all these teen angst situations in which everyone keeps on saying that "No one understands me!" and other rubbish like that.

I enjoy being part of the crowd. I don't mind being part of a large group of people who are not a beautiful and unique snowflake because that is what we are. We are nothing but our social security number. I've even been chastised for just accepting the status quo and being a number, but I just don't see a point in fighting a battle that is being fought in the wrong way.

Not enough people have come to this realization and strive themselves to be a unique snowflake. Makes themselves stressed trying to be different it seems to me.

I've just accepted it and moved on. It has made life a lot more simple knowing that I'm probably no different than most people my age.

At the end of the day you may cut the label off your clothing, but the reality is that the label is still there as it is for everyone.

For over five years, I have one way or another worked with people who have mental disabilities. It is far ranging from those who have down syndrome to those with cerebral palsy. I've done this for five years without much thought. I just enjoy doing it really.

There are certain times though when the reality of the situation that I see them in hits me and I grow very sad. These times are very rare and during the summer when I was practically surrounded on all sides by this it hardly happened.

But over the weekend, it happened to me and I was thinking about it again today while driving. I just felt completely saddened by the whole thing.

On occasion, I work weekends working with these people. This past situation was one of those times. There is this one guy. Extremely nice and he remembers my name even though he wasn't in my group before. He is just so nice and I always talk with him. He has a habit of calling me buddy (and I call him mate!) and always showing me his hat. He is very cool and if you saw him on the street you would think he is a bit weird but completely fine. He is also fairly young. I asked him his age once but can't recall what he said.

As we were sitting there playing Bingo on Sunday I looked over at him. I just saw him so focused on this game that was honestly boring me so much. He had such a determined and happy look on his face that he was going to win. It made me smile but a depressed smile. I think I felt that way because here was this man who is going to live this life for his remaining years on earth. Completely content with what he has. It kind of sounds like a good life. I just felt sad that he was going to live a life like this. That life had put him in this situation.

As I drove back home Sunday night my anger filled days as a youth came back to me. I became so angry and repeatedly muttered to myself how there is no god and how life isn't fair. These days my anger has turned to calm and I accept things for what they are. As a youth though, replace that calm with hatred. Yeah it wasn't the best remedy for living a healthy lifestyle.

But I was just so angry. Angry for him and everyone else there. That this is there fate. That there is nothing anyone can do. That they were never given a chance. I see myself and everything has turned out great. I've been given a fighting chance and I don't screw up like I see many around me do. Here is someone who will never even have that knowledge though.

And people don't care. They just don't. No one cares for these people and it just upsets me. People at Rutgers don't do community service because they want to but because they have to. We've grown up to think only for ourselves. It is all about the money.

I'm going to stop writing now.

Distance	5K
Clock Time	20:36
Overall Place	15 / 152
Division Place	8 / 48
Divtotal	48

People over the years have let resistance build up in their bodies. Resistance in both the good and the bad. Resistance from drinking, from excess, amongst other things.

Disturbingly, the trend for positive growth and effective resistance is undermined by it’s negative counterpart. The belief of superiority, of material wealth, ego, and judgement. Many people follow this path thinking it will bring more pleasure but it brings out the exact opposite. These things may sound good at first but eventually, the resistance builds up, and the things you already have are not enough (even though most can probably live without this stuff anyway and survive). Stress builds up and you find yourself needing more. As someone once said, the things you own end up owning you.

Things are shown to us everyday, the newest trends, gadgets, and other things. People see these things and grow to want it. It takes over their thoughts and soon everything done by that person is in some leading to the attainment of that item. For a little while that person is content once it is obtained, happy with what he now has. That is, until that new commercial comes up with that new and fancier thing and soon this person is off again, saving up and doing things to get that new item. That previous item, for all it’s worth to the owner previously, loses it’s value completely even though it’s functioning as good as it did when first purchased. Discarded for the new, and then that new item itself is discarded. Thus the vicious cycle begins as happiness is defined by the latest release.

With the purchasing power to get all these things, it is inevitable that an ego will soon come along with it. A sense of superiority over another with less than you. People feel that all their hard work leads them to this sense of attainment. It’s a frugal happiness. A happiness only attainable at being on top. Many kids in high school play a sport because they are happy when out on the field. Coaches are different however and are in it to win it. They put their kids through dutiful tasks to be in top notch form. At the end of the day, the team may be in it’s prime but with all the orders to follow, it soon stops becoming a game and bears more in common with work. Those who play amongst friends are the ones that benefit because it isn’t so much about winning as it is simply having fun.

That is no different than those with an ego for all that they own. Like the coach, they are not happy until they are on top, and quickly become annoyed again when not. These constant mood swings cannot possibly be good! People are constantly like coaches which seems like a very stressful life. Either that or worse! They are the players who forgot why they joined the basketball team in the first place. It surely could not have been to remember all those plays in the game and the fear of messing up and being side lined. That is no fun at all. They don’t want to be judged so the fun is put to the side in place of being the best.

Since we were kids, people told us to never judge a book by it’s cover, yet it is these same people who tell us how to dress, act, and live our lives. The excuses are always the same. It is either one is too young or one is too old. People ca never accept validity for one reason or the other. People cannot accept their own actions either and blame it on others for their faults. This is why parents are quick to get prestige for their child’s accomplishments as if it was their own but are even quicker to let the responsibility of the bad things fall to the child solely! Can’t people make up their minds of what they want? Walking the fence is a major issue in situations like these. Parents and people in general, feel that their way is right, and so impose that upon others for their own good. History has shown repeatedly how that is so very far from the truth.

So is there any hope at truly being happy? A happiness not with the expense of ourselves and others? It is hard to say, and many spend their whole life just waiting for their next paycheck to get something to fill that hole in their soul. There are a number of ways to go about it. There is one way that is most realistic for those with hectic lifestyles who cannot spend a few months alone in solitude up in the mountain. It is simple and just about anyone can try it out.

Just let go.

 

That is all there is to it. Just let go. Try to abandon all needs because in all likelihood they aren’t really needs. Of course it is always pleasurable to have these neat little gadgets, but if one finds that letting go of this product is too hard to difficult a task, then one can’t seek any chance of filling up that hole.

Try new things that don’t require some sort of money to accomplish. Go out for a walk. See the beauty of the things around you. This doesn’t need nature either. People try to build parks so that people can “see nature” but they are no different than zoos. They keep something confined and try to show us a world most of us will probably never see. Instead, see the world around you. Whether you live in a rural area or densely populated city, see the beauty of it all. Everything has a purpose, even the apparently ugly things. An ugly apartment building may seem pitiful for someone living in a mansion, but for someone, that place is home and is the most beautiful thing out there. Lower yourself a little and even people can see the beauty and purpose of mosquitoes.

Truly try to follow the belief of treating others as you would be treated. Someone once said there is as much dignity for plowing a field as there is to writing a poem. Indeed how could both not be seen as beautiful for they serve a purpose. Without even the most apparent useless tasks that no one would want to do, life could not function. For that, those who do those things should be thanked and treated as equals to those who hold themselves high thinking they really are.

Go out and live a life of happiness in the real world, not a world behind a screen or a dollar bill.

In between classes in most cases, I find myself with too much free time. Homework for most of my classes is tedious and can take me some time but once finished, I know I'll have at least a week before I'll have to worry about any assignments again.

So many times, I'm bored. The fact that I'm a commuter does not help either. The past two years I would simply hang around in my dorm room and do trivial little things. Now though I just sit at the computer lab and watch anime. There really isn't much to do.

It kind of sucks because I'll only have, say, these two hours right now to do nothing but for the rest of the day, I'd be busy doing one thing or another. I wish I could work out but doing that in the middle of the day without a change of clothes and knowing that I need to be somewhere within a certain time period annoys me. Its why any athletics I usually do at night so I don't feel rushed. Thats the one thing I hate. I enjoy taking my time doing things.

If I take six courses as planned next semester, I will be done with both my major and minor. That basically means I could totally screw around senior year. I think I'll try to get my minor in Spanish into a major but I don't know if I will have time or even the money to do that. I should be able to be a part time student my last semester at Rutgers but if I were to be full time, I might be able to make it into a major.

But that costs money. Money I don't have to be spending on a bachelor's degree which is already handed to me.

So I think I'll just end up screwing around my last semester senior year. Rutgers is again hardly a challenge so I'll take six classes next semester. That should keep me busy enough. A major in Journalism and a minor in Spanish. What joy.

Its good to have things planned out ahead of time but damn all this free time because of it! I think I'll watch another episode of Death Note.

My friend recommended a book named Island to me. I quite like it and it has opened me up to Buddhism somewhat.

I remember reading this friend of mine's blog and his exploits into Buddhism after reading the book. I was initially quite happy that he took the steps to look into the belief. Sadly I think what he found was not what he expected and so he stopped. I don't know why really but maybe he saw Buddhism as being just like how it was in Island but reality is never like the pages in a book.

As for me, I don't know yet. Many of the personal practices done by the people in the book I've known for one way or the other for a long time now. The only thing fairly new to me is the idea of using acid to experience things not possible in real life. This however is something I think was not well looked into at the time of the book to see its possible health affects.

This book though is not a revelation to me, but a subtle reminder of Taoism and the affect it has had on me since I first discovered it. Before discovering Taoism, I had held many similar beliefs that I do now. The difference was the approach I took. Before Taoism, it had a more radical political element to it. I rejected materialism because of what I saw consumerism due to people. This alongside politics however, often leads to misery. Politics is hardly ever fun and someone always suffers from it. Needless to say rage was my basis for living the life that I did.

That changed though after being able to read further into Taoism. The beliefs I previously had no longer needed to be funneled by rage, but by happiness I realized. I'm no longer anti-materialism because it is a tool used by the capitalists to keep the proletariat submissive, but because I've found that simpler things such as writing could bring me as much joy as a six hundred dollar Playstation 3 could. Why spend so much money, constantly updating yourself with the newest games, when I can achieve a similar feeling of euphoria with a pen and paper. A much cheaper method to happiness!

Not to say I don't enjoy the occasional video game, but it does not hold the same weight as it did to me years ago, where I NEEDED a video game or something likewise new and expensive to keep me happy, or I did something because I was pissed at the establishment. Now I feel like I have found simple bliss.

I'm often told I'm childlike in nature especially by my father but by others as well. That I care little for what I do and take pride in nothing. Has it ever occurred to them that perhaps I am like this on purpose?

I'm no fool either though, I am doing what I need to do in survive in life but that is where I draw the line! I don't do more than I need to, because what is the point? People try so hard to get ahead in life like the rabbit in the race and find that all their efforts lead to a turtle winning the race.

That reminds me of one time during camp. By now it was well known that I was an athletic person who took care of his health. One day toward the end of the summer a friend I well respected was working in the kitchen with me and wondered how I could be such an agile runner yet do everything else so slow. It had never occurred to me that I was working in the kitchen so slowly. My father and others had always lamented that I did things so slowly. A shock to say the least that she felt the same way!

But why rush I believe I told her. At the end of the day the work gets done and there are no faults. This I believe is the Tao at work. It may sound trivial and honestly who would take pride in cleaning dishes? Apply this to clothing, school, and money and the results may surprise you.

Despite having been screamed at or scolded one way or the other my whole life, I am happy with the way I have lived. It bothers people that it seems I'm always screwing around. Well I must ask them this. Whats wrong with living life a little? And if one really needs to look at me, why is a college student who is in good health, good grades, and never seems stressed even able to screw around? Its because I've learned the ability to let that which does not matter slide. Thank You.

Today ends the third week of classes at Rutgers. So far this semester has been enjoyable actually. I was worried that being a commuter would affect me negatively but it hasn't at all. In fact sitting in the library so much has been making me do my homework quicker than before although turning things on time has never been an issue with me. It just gets done on time a lot quicker than I had the previous two years.

I missed Demarest at first but now visiting it doesn't even seem that much of a concern for me. I guess maybe I've just moved on. Most of the people I'd known at Demarest since freshman year have moved on and are doing their own thing. It seems I'd be clinging onto something that isn't there anymore. More and more its just freshman that are cool and all but there mentality about college is much different than mine.

They are just starting out and want to experience so much while I've already had it so I could care less. In that regard it can be hard to relate to them. Sophomore I still had that mentality of wanting to try out all these new things but now I just want to focus more on school work and graduating. That plus my classes are getting more in depth and the people sitting next to me in classes are upperclassmen such as myself.

So in that sense it is a bit hard to hang out with them. Sure I still know people at Demarest and I visit on occasion but its different. A lot of those people didn't start out at Demarest with me so in some weird sense I feel alone. I don't even talk much with the old group. Its funny. Freshman year we all hung out and were just excited to be there. As time moved on we just slowly slipped away. I'm just as much to blame for that but we all have different paths to follow.

In the drama that is my love life, I decided that I'm just not ready for another relationship. I had tried pursuing a few women and was actually successful but it just wasn't the same. I realized that I was just trying to replace Polish Kat and I can't. I honestly can't. Just thinking about her alone is enough to get me excited and smiling, reminiscing on the months we spent together. I'm just not ready to get myself into something. I think the physical aspects of the relationship made me pursue women at Rutgers but my mind has caught up and is keeping me in check.

The only annoying thing is that there is this girl in my Spanish class who looks just like Polish Kat. Down to even her dress style. Its a bit annoying having to see her and see Polish Kat. The temptation to talk to her is there but thats bad. That is going after a girl just because she reminds me of Polish Kat and thats just wrong.

I'm kind of happy being single now. Never thought I'd find myself saying that. Polish Kat really was the best I ever had.

Last Name

First Name
Sex/
Age

Bib

Team

City

State
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Place
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Place
Age
Place
Finish
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Mile
AG
Time AG
Gender
Place

AG %
PENA AASIN M20 1500 EAST BRUNSWICK NJ 874 709 47 29:38 7:24 29:18 910 57.4 %

Being in the twenty and above bracket made running a lot harder now.

So commuting to Rutgers leaves me a lot of time to kill which I didn't have while I lived in Demarest. I got so bored that I wrote this little story. Yeah.

A Change of Heart

Pete awoke that day groggy and annoyed. Today marked another year at the university, just two more years and he would finally be free from school work forever. That thought excited him every time but for now, he needed a shower badly. He had not bathed in two days since he had gone traveling to St. Louis.

It had been a wonderful city and he had seen everything he wanted. The only problem was that the hostel he and his friend stayed in was horrible and he figured he could live two days without showering in that bathroom, not that he even cared to shower usually. No need to take any chances especially with school around the corner.

He thought about staying in bed a little longer. Since he was a commuter now, he had chosen to take afternoon classes so he wouldn’t have to rush in the morning. Even though he could sleep in, his alarm clock wouldn’t let him do that. That alarm clock being his two baby siblings. Each morning at seven they could be heard screaming and running around the house getting ready for the day. The noise could penetrate even the toughest walls Pete thought. So he got up to prepare himself for the day.

Pete hated showers usually, he could last for days without them. It was done more to please his overbearing father than for actual hygienic reasons.  

“I’m off to take a shower and be nice and clean for ya,” said Pete to his father as he walked past him in the hall so that he wouldn’t be pestered later on whether he had taken one that day.

The only good thing about showers for him was that it gave him alone time to think, and think he did.

St. Louis had been an amazing experience and he had enjoyed it but one thing kept on bothering him in the back of his mind. His friend Mark had gone with him on the last minute. He was grateful to have company along but he still had some reservations about Mark.

Even though they got along well, and had a lot in common, when it came to women they were exact opposites. Pete was reserved and quiet usually around women. Most of the time he couldn’t even tell if a girl was flirting unless it was so blatant. It wasn’t that he didn’t like women, he had been with a few in the past, it was just that he enjoyed serious relationships. Being in St. Louis for four days and hooking up with women was not his ideal of something serious.

“That Mark,” Pete muttered allowed as he turned the water on. “He takes such advantage of his looks and plays this bullshit all the time.”

While Pete was reserved and hardly pursued women, Mark was an animal. Despite dating a girl back home in New Jersey, he had no reservations about hooking up on vacation. Mark had the ability to meet a girl and within hours be making out with her, or more. So on the first night when Pete had seen Mark leave the bar with a girl he had met only thirty minutes before, he wasn’t surprised. He just hoped that they would be finished by the time he got back to the hostel.

And they were.

“How can he just get with a girl like that?” Pete wondered. “It isn’t right.”
But that’s what bothered Pete so much. Why was it not right? Before he had believed that it was all about respecting women but he was starting to question that belief. Maybe girls were just as horny as men were?

He didn’t really know for sure. As he got out of  the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror. Pete worked out and anyone could tell. His arm muscles were prominent and as a runner, his legs were hard to the touch. His skin was perfectly in the middle between brown and white. Women went to tanning salons hoping to get a shade of color that came to him naturally. Even though he wore baggy clothes which hid all his muscle, his face was enough to turn heads. This truth was something he had noticed and accepted only very recently. He was a handsome man.

Still though, his experience with women was few and often ridiculous. He had only been with three women in his life although he often told people only one. The first girl, Maria, had been a complete nutcase who would blame everything wrong in her life on him. Sometimes he would not speak to her for days at a time and when they did finally talk again, she still found something to blame on him.

The second girl, Diana,  had been a completely different story. When they had first met, he was sure he was falling in love. Her lips were so luscious and feeling them against his felt so right each time. He had told her he loved her. It ended up being one of the few things he regretted doing in life.

“I’m not looking for a relationship,” was all she had said to him.

At the time, the concept had baffled him. Why anyone would want to just fool around when they could have someone who is always thinking about them was so foreign. He had been longing for that so much in his first relationship, but even getting a kiss out of that first girl had been a battle.

After he saw that Diana just used him for sex, and ended up falling in love with a man that hit her, he had a dry spell for a few years. He hardly payed any attention to girls. It was like flirting with a beautiful statue one girl had described it.

Pete was sure love didn’t exist, until one day he met a girl named Kate. There was nothing particularly pretty about her most boys thought, but that simple complexion about her was enough to drive him wild. Pete never was so sure why he had fallen so badly for her. Maybe it was because she didn’t hide behind tons of makeup like most girls do. Maybe it was because her body was not particularly voluptuous. At 5 9, Kate was only two inches shorter than Pete, and with a noticeably large nose and non-existent breasts, even she didn’t find herself beautiful.  

Pete didn’t care, and within a week he had taken her to the woods and kissed her. As usual, when he put his mind to it, he could seduce a girl in a matter of minutes. With that relaxed attitude and smug smile, girls would give in easily. Knowing that made him uneasy and sad that girls would fall so easily, he had seen Mark do it all the time, but even he did it when a girl got his interest. Usually though he’d end up being disappointed that the girl was seduced so easily and refuse to have anything to do with her afterwards.  All you end up doing is pissing girls off was what Mark had told him.

Kate was from Germany and was only in the country for three months doing some volunteer work for disabled youth. It was there that he had first met her. Despite knowing how futile the relationship would be, they fell in love with each other. Now she was gone, and even though they spoke on the phone occasionally, he knew he’d probably never see her again. That broke his heart even more than the second girl.

And here he was, alone again. At twenty years old, he still couldn’t claim to have ever really been a relationship. How could he? The closest thing to normal had been a girl who couldn’t even pronounce English words correctly.

“Whatever, I can’t be bothered right now with this crap,” Pete said as he started the car.

The first day of classes was starting, along with a brand new set of faces.

Part Two

The classes came and went. None of them seemed too challenging so Pete wasn’t worried. Just a little annoyed that his Hispanic Literature textbook had been $120.

As he walked around campus, he could see excited faces all around him. Old friends hugging each other, young couples holding hands, and confused freshman impatient for the party night to arrive. Out of that crowd was Pete, just trying to get through all the craziness that is the first week of college.

Most people who saw Pete walking around that day probably thought he was a grumpy old man in a young man’s body. The truth was anything but that. Pete enjoyed a popularity that came naturally and which others yearned for. His calm demeanor and style made everyone want to associate with him, much to his amusement at times. Many times people he didn’t even know would say hi to him, and he’d just smile back and wave. He was a nice guy and easy to hang with, just not during school hours.

As he walked past the student center, Pete heard a familiar voice call out to him.

“Pete, where have you been man?!” cried Ralph.

“Ah Ralph,” Pete thought to himself. “Finally someone I’m glad to see.”

When Pete had first started at the university three years ago, Ralph had been one of the first people he had spoken to. They were soccer buddies at first but afterward learned that they had much more in common than scoring goals. Here was one of the few friends who Pete actually made sure to keep in touch with.

“I’m doing well Ralph. Just got out of my computer science class. How is the old dorm doing.?”

“Its great bro, it’s a shame you have to commute to school now. The freshman are all fun and we haven’t had any drama yet thankfully.”

As they talked and walked, Pete found himself in from of Dem, his old dorm. It brought a smile to his face, this place he had called home two years past.

In front of the dorm was a large crowd. As usual everyone always hung out in the front. He recognized a few faces. There was Patrick with his banjo, Luke with his cigars puffing away, and a few others he knew.

There was an even bigger crowd of people he didn’t know though.

“Freshman,” said Pete. “There are a ton of them this year eh Ralph?”

“Yeah there really are. But hey man I got to run to class. Stick around later and we’ll play some FIFA on my Xbox. See ya in a bit.”

And before he could respond Ralph was gone, leaving Pete in front of the dorm. This was normal of Ralph. He was always running around late for some class so Pete was used to it. With that he sat down, said hello to the old crew and chilled. He was done for the day so he might as well catch up with the people.

While Pete was chilling, he couldn’t help but notice this one freshman girl. She had her hair wrapped up in a bun which helped conceal how long her hair was. She was short and curvy, a feature Pete was all too fond of. Pete didn’t realize he was staring until he looked at her eyes and saw they were looking straight at his.

Pete quickly looked away, embarrassed that he has done such a teenage thing. He was usually good at catching quick glimpses but he had been staring at her straight on. He pretended to pay attention to some freshman playing frisbee even when he saw her get up and start walking towards him.

“Hello, I’m Faith and who are you?” she asked.

“I’m Pete, I used to live here last year so I came to visit it.”

“It’s a great dorm, I’ve only been here for a day and already I am having so much fun. Why did you leave?”

“I commute now. It was too expensive for me so I drive to school. You’re going to have a good time at Dem. Many good memories here Faith.”

This type of idle talk between them ended up lasting twenty minutes. He was surprised at how friendly and open she was to him. When Pete looked at her eyes though he was all too familiar with what he saw. Her eyes looked intently at him, and he likewise. There were moments when they would just grin at each other. Pete, calm as ever but inside fighting all his fear, knew he had a shot. So he just went for it.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I don’t know yet. Probably try and see if there are any parties. Do you want to come?”

“Bringing a guy with you to party is always a bad idea in college Faith. The fraternities won’t let any competition even enter their yard. I was thinking I could show you around campus so that you see all that there is to do around here.”

“That sounds good.”

That was all she said. Those three words were more than enough to tell Pete she was interested. Getting his flirtation skills on, he set up a time they would meet and then pretended that he had class. It was always good to get away after setting something up. It made the woman long for you even more.

With a huge grin over his face, Pete walked away. He had it all planned out in his head already. The only problem now was to figure out what to do for the next four hours.

Part Three

After an excruciating four hours sitting at the school library reading, checking email, and dozing off, it finally came time to head back. Pete grew excited at the thought of seeing her, but in the back of his mind, it just felt wrong. He had been with Kate for three months. He had told her he loved her and she likewise. The day he had dropped her off at the airport had been one of the most miserable he’d ever lived. His vision lay clouded full of tears the whole ride back home. Was it so wrong to be wanting another woman, so soon after being with Kate? The thought loomed over his head the whole walk back to Dem.

As he walked into Dem, he ran into Mike, another soccer buddy of his. Mike was just sitting on the stairs hanging out with some freshman boys.

“Che! How’s it going?” Mike screamed. Mike, whose father was from Argentina, liked calling Pete Che since he looked like the famous revolutionary whenever he got lazy and didn’t shave.

“I’m doing well Mike, just checking out the old dorm. We need to get the old crew back to play some soccer.”

“Of course Che. Hit me up whenever you are going to go play.”

Pete, smiled, nodded, and waved his hand goodbye. It was good to see Mike, but he had a goal that night.

As expected, her room door was open. Probably in expectation of his arrival. He had it worked out. He would walk past her room first, pretending he had forgotten where she lived. It was always a good sign when they got your attention. Not vice versa.

Pete walked past the room, looking somewhat lost even though he knew every nook and cranny in Dem. As soon as he walked past the door, he heard what he wanted to hear.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Faith said.

“Oh sup. This is your room? My bad I thought it was upstairs.”

The grin had returned to each of their faces. The look on her face was so obvious, he was tempted to kiss her right there. Can’t make a scene in Dem though Pete thought to himself.

The girl had been ready with her little black purse in her hand. Her hair was no longer wrapped in a bun but lay across her face as if she had been dancing all night. It may have looked messy, but the style actually worked on making her seem even more beautiful than before. She also wore black tights and a large black one piece that covered her up.

“Wow,” Pete muttered as they were walking out of the dorm. Along the way they passed by Mike again. In place of a grin now was a more serious face, staring into the distant horizon it seemed. Pete didn’t know if Mike was annoyed at him as he walked out of Dem with Faith. Their friendship had hit a bump in the road last year when a plan to help Mike out with a girl had backfired horribly. Mike said that he was over that girl from last year, but Pete sometimes got that feeling of jealous envy whenever Pete was hanging out with other friends, all of whom being girls. Mike was not an ugly fellow. He just didn’t know how to approach women. Pete wished Mike would stop thinking that he was such a flirt. It wasn’t the case at all for most girls really. This girl next to him was different though, Pete wanted more than a friend to talk to.

“So where around campus have you not been yet?” Pete asked.

“I don’t know really. This place is big.”

“Do you want to see the park? Its quiet and peaceful at night especially with a moon like this.”

“Okay.”

She was making this too easy.

Along the way they made idle chit chat to kill the time. It was a cool summer night with a full moon to light the way. It seemed everything was going along smoothly. Pete always wondered why these things always came easy to him. Nature was always on his side he felt.

No one was around as he walked her to Rosedion park. Despite being right next to campus, hardly any students ever took a stroll through the quiet park. It was one of the few places at the university where Pete could go and not worry about running into the hundreds of people he knew on campus.

Finally he reached the place where he would make his move. The playground was always an ideal place to kiss. It brought back memories of childhood and happiness. The ultimate place to set up the mood.

“So Faith, what do you hope to achieve this first year at the university?”

“I want to take advantage of everything that’s offered to me. Its only been a few days since I moved in and I’m already doing so much and have much more to look forward to. What about you Pete?”
It was time.

“I’ve done so much these past two years already. I think I’d like to meet a nice girl this year.”

As he said this, he moved closer to her. The grin on her face didn’t make Pete hesitate a minute. The lip gloss glistened under the moonlight, making her lips seem even more tempting than before. She didn’t say anything as his lips touched hers. She just gave in to her fantasies as did Pete. Forget the idle talking. This is what they had both came here to do.

They went at it for barely a minute before she pulled away. Pete didn’t know if he felt more confused as to why she had moved away, or annoyed that such a pleasurable feeling had been so short.

“What happened? Did you not want me to kiss you?”

“It isn’t that. If I hadn’t wanted you to, I would have slapped you before you even got close. I just want you to know that I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I just want to have fun and enjoy college.”

When Diana had said she didn’t want a relationship, it had bothered him so much that he refused to kiss her anymore that night. Now though, he was surprised to see that this didn’t bother him at all.

“That is fine. I can get used to that.”

Pete knew he had changed. Past experiences had made him change his view on relationships. Here was Faith, a beautiful girl at his university, but he didn’t want anything more than to kiss her. He didn’t want to have to take her to dinner or oblige some time for her every day. He just wanted to make out every once and a while to calm his nerves.

Being with Maria had made him wary of trying to start a relationship with someone who wasn’t interested. Having casual sex with Diana had made him more open to just fooling around. Losing Kate had made him realize he didn’t want to fall for a girl just to be hurt when he was still so young and could afford to be reckless with women.

No, this year would be different. This year he would take advantage of his looks. For too long he had viewed relationships like a man looking for a wife. No not again. This year, he would have fun.

“Nope, that ain’t a problem at all for me,” he said as he kissed Faith once more under the monkey bars.

Much has happened in the few days it has been since I last posted on livejournal. I guess its best to start from the beginning.

So I went to Chicago. Sick! It was annoying being sick but it was bearable. For some reason the plane ticket is cheapest if we fly first to Atlanta and then to Chicago. It doesn't make much sense to me but whatever. I got to see Atlanta Airport for a while and man IT WAS HUGE! I'm pretty sure it might be bigger than JFK Airport, which is surprising since New York City is a much more major city than Atlanta is. But we didn't stay there for long and then we were off to Chicago.

Well before I continue, I went with my comrade Matt from MDA camp. Known him for a year and we trust each other so he was a prime candidate to come with me. I didn't really want to go alone. That would have been depressing I thought so I asked him and he was down. Good to go! Deja vu..... I felt like I've written this before. Anywayz....

So the first thing I notice when I get to Chicago is that it is extremely cold. In New Jersey it is still fairly warm but it was so cold in Chicago that Matt and I had to get our jackets out of our luggage. Its amazing how different the temperature could be although I imagine being next to Lake Michigan plays a large part of it being cold.

Chicago is nothing like New York City. Chicago is the 3rd largest of the city yet when I first got there, it felt like a ghost city. People in New York are all crammed into this little island. Chicago though things are a bit more spaced out. People don't seem like they are in a rush either. I guess people in the East Coast really are fast paced.

I've always wondered why we are like that. I reckon it is because the work is a lot more competitive in my area. NYC IS the place to be in America. Everyone comes to my city from all over the country. I get the vibe that people flocking to Chicago is on a much lower level.

So despite being a ghost town, we took a bus to our hostel. The first hostel was too expensive so we went to our second choice. Man it was a good decision. The area the hostel was in was located in an East Village setting. You could tell it was a place where rich young people go to live in Chicago. The hostel was cheaper, great location, and the staff were nice.

The first thing we did though was get some much needed sleep but after that we got to know the people around the hostel. We met a ton of Australians, two guys from Holland, and elsewhere. Honestly, because of Camp Merry Heart, I was a bit tired of hearing foreign accents. There was a girl from England and I actually guessed correctly what region of England she was from. Yeah apparently the British have different dialects like we do with the Southern, Northern accents in America.

Matt on the other hand, I could tell was having a blast. When I think about it, Matt and I work on different levels. We were in Chicago for four days so I couldn't be bothered meeting new people I know I would never see again. If I think I will know them for a long period of time however, I'm all happy smiles and whatnot! They probably thought I was gay and a loner. Matt was saying hello to everyone though. It worked out to our advantage though as we got to hang out with a ton of people and learn things about their country. Nothing new to me but I'm glad Matt was able to experience meeting foreigners. And to believe he was actually hesitant to stay in the hostel at first!

We did a whole bunch of things but I accomplished my whole point of going to Chicago. I met my good friend Harmoni. It was long overdue. I had had to postpone it twice before but this time I finally got it done. When we first met I felt a little awkward. Like what was I supposed to do? Hug her? Our first picture together is so awkward, we're side to side because I was not sure if I could put my arm around her shoulder. We warmed up to each other quickly though which was great.

Its funny. I want to say that I have five internet buddies whom I'm close with. Harmoni was one of them. It just fascinates me that two people from different parts of the country could become so close via the internet that they go and meet each other. Corwin was my other friend from Virginia whom I met. We've met each other twice (should have been three times but it didn't work out). The amazing thing is that I value some of these internet friends more than those here in New Jersey. I've known Harmoni for nearly six years now and Corwin even longer than I believe. Both times I went to visit them in their respective states and had a blast.

This has got me thinking a lot. A lot of typical college kids enjoy travelling Europe but I think I'd much rather travel around America. Our people are so diverse and I guess hearing from the Europeans about the lack of diversity in their countries has made me appreciate living in the United States even more. I think next I'd like to visit the deep South. Probably Alabama. Virginia was the South but the Union is right next to it. Alabama though is embedded in the South. I imagine life is much much different there than here in New Jersey.

I've asked people from other states what they think of New Jersey. It isn't too positive really. Mostly that we have a ton of factories which is true. You know I always considered myself lucky for living in this state but really no one likes my state. Oh well. They can go on thinking that and never realizing how amazing New Jersey is.

Matt kept telling me I could have scored with this one blond Australian at the hostel. Maybe I could have but that is just not how I roll. Matt can be a major flirt but I tend to enjoy being in serious relationships. Not only that, but being by Europeans reminded me so much of Kat. I called her today actually but she was on the train. I don't know how far we could make this last. Especially with what happened today.

In some weird situation which is too much to explain, I got a girl's email. I didn't actually expect her to even give me yes for an answer. I expected a flat out NO. I just tried it....just to try really. I don't know. I mean I look at girls and I don't get anything from it. I think of Kat though and my lips tremble and all I can think about is the many times we kissed. I think I just need to move on and maybe seeing another girl will help that.

I don't know if the girl will respond to my email. We'll see. She wanted to hang out then but I commute now and couldn't be bothered to stay at Rutgers so late.

Commuting. Is not so bad. It took me 12 minutes exactly to drive to Rutgers. 12 minutes over 10,000 dollars I say. I miss Demarest but I have so many good friends that I can visit whenever I please. I think about that and I am happy. They bring me joy and I likewise to them. The only thing that sucks is that I can't watch TV or just relax really while on campus. A commuter last year told me that he gets more work done since there is less of a distraction. I think that will be true.

Life is good. I am happy. I just finished working out. It will be good to go back to a normal routine of fitness. I'm happy I was able to keep up with it all summer but now it'll be even better since I have more at my disposal.

I returned home from Camp Merry Heart yesterday. For good for a long ass time. I spent my whole summer there dealing with people with mental disabilities. To add onto that, once Merry Heart ended, I stayed an extra to volunteer for Camp New Day. Got myself a new bead on my necklace. I've been doing Camp New Day for five years now. Wow....

So I'll never see the Europeans again most likely for the most part. The last week with them was fun. We were given a banquet to celebrate surviving the summer. I was able to order lobster which was lush. I gobbled up a lot of food that night and *gasp* I ate some carrot cake. It was kind of funny though because I couldn't finish the whole thing because I was feeling sick. Its amazing how my body has adapted to rejected a large intake of fat and sugar.

Got a little lazy towards the end with working out. I started running a lot more instead of doing weights for an hour. It kind of plays into the whole me wanting to be the fast 20 year old out there. The hills of Hackettstown are good for that though and I had plenty a good run.

I actually do miss a few of the Europeans. Especially those from my cabin Maplewood. Phil always comes to mind oddly enough. He has a smooth head on his shoulders. He'll do well in the future. No one cried though on the final day when the bus came. I guess because most of them were off staying at the same hostel in New York so it wasn't goodbye just yet. I wonder where they all wandered off too around the country. I know Gerarld is in Miami at the moment and if I remember right, Phil, Kevin, and Simon are somewhere in the West Coast.

Once the bus left Merry Heart only Kat, Goshia, Chris, and Camilla were left. It was good to have their company during Camp New Day. A good way to reminisce on the whole summer we had spent together.

Kat stayed because I needed to take her to JFK International Airport on the Monday. We spent our one free Saturday in New York City where she proceeded to try to spend all her American money. I thought she should of saved it but I guess life is very different in Poland. Things really are cheap in America. I remember telling them the price for a gallon of gas and they were shocked at how cheap it was. Apparently our price is the equivalent of 4 litres of gasoline which is ALOT! I thinks its amusing people complain about the Iraqi war and oil prices but they don't see how much gas is cheaper because we invaded Iraq. Selfish Americans.

I didn't cry about Kat until we finally entered the terminal. Before then I had been all smiles but the realization finally hit me. I tried to hold it back a bit but I was becoming an emotional wreck. After a while I didn't even try to hide it anymore. We got there a little early so we hung out but the time had to come eventually.

I had to say goodbye to her when she went to security. I gave her a hug, said a few words to her and turned around. I couldn't look back because I felt I might run back to her. I just kept walking....and walking away from it all.

I sobbed on the train ride back to Manhattan. Luckily no one really noticed. Three months spent with her, seeing her every single day, and now I'll never see her again. The sudden change was too much for me. I didn't know how to react. I didn't even return to Camp New Day that night because if I couldn't have her, I at least wanted to sleep in comfort.

She left me her sleeping bag and a jacket which she didn't want anymore. By the time I had returned I thought I would be OK. I wasn't though. When I got back I smelled her jacket. It smelled EXACTLY like her. I cried then. Lucky for me as usual, no one was around except for a camper who proceeded to tell me that I was a good guy. It made me smile at that hard time in my life.

When I get into relationships (which are few and far in between) I tend to prefer them long lasting. I'm not into short term dating or fuck buddies. I tried the whole fuck buddy thing in the past but I couldn't help not wanting more while she just wanted me to sleep with her. I ain't down with that.

Needless to say I treated Kat just like I would treat an American woman living not far from me. Took her around, hung out with her, the works really.

I loved her independence. Hardly ever paid anything for her and the few things I did pay for, she didn't realize. Like she didn't realize taking the subway cost money so I would pay for her then. My subtle contribution to the whole "man pays for woman" mentality.

So New Day ended yesterday. Said goodbye to everyone and the remaining Merry Hearters of the summer. It is finally over. I'm glad to be home even if it is not for long. I don't mind.

What I do mind is how my left ear is clogged and I haven't been able to hear anything for a whole day now. Its like as soon as I got home my whole body collapsed because it suddenly realized that it could relax for a few days. I hope I get better soon because on the 27th I got to Chicago baby WOOHHOOOO! Its going to be fun and I finally get to hang out with two good friends of mine. I hope Mat and Harmoni are just as excited as I am about this trip. It will be a nice end to the summer.

Goshia gave me a calling card to Poland. I should call Kat. I really have fallen madly in love with this Polish girl.

So I finally got the tickets to Chicago today. This trip has been months in the making and I am now officially going. No more excuses or getting put off because the tickets have been bought and can't be returned.

I am excited. Really excited.

We'll be staying at a hostel as well. Initially my cousin and friend who will be coming with me were uncomfortable with the idea but it really was the cheapest option. I think they'll grow to like it. I've spoken to it with the Europeans I work with and it seems a lot better than staying at a hotel. Then again the standards I live by are a lot different than my cousin and friend so we'll have to see.

So I'm actually spending my money! Tired of just seeing it there lying in the bank. It seems even in this recession everyone I know is going out and seeing the world while I stay at home and keep it growing in the bank. Sure its great that I currently have enough money to buy a nice used car but I'm missing out on the prime years of my life to travel. I just got fed up with it and have decided to give it a go. My trip to Virginia taught me that this was possible. Everyone whined and moaned about me going but at the end of the day I went and everything turned out alright.

Enough about money though. I got money to waste so screw it all. In other news, I will be going on a trip with camp this week. I'm a bit happy because this trip will be staying around North Jersey. Traveling long distances in the bus can be a bit of a drag. I always had to be careful to not drink too much so I wouldn't be forced to make constant pit stops but this won't be an issue at all.

The problem is though that Kat will not be going. I'll have a week without Kat. We only have three weeks left and it would be nice to spend these few fleeting moments left with her. I haven't kissed her in maybe three days and it sucks. It is kind of interesting how people live without kissing and such for long periods of time without difficulty yet when it is possible to get it often they will fiend for it. There have been times that I've just been restless because I've wanted to hang out alone with Kat. Normally I'm not like this and had anyone asked me that a few years ago, I probably would not have understood this concept. I guess I've been like this before but I've never had the opportunity to see my SO everyday like I can with Kat. Tis fun!

I wonder how restless I'll be by the time I return to camp on Friday. She made a facebook so I guess we'll be able to talk by that but I don't know how often I'll be able to find a computer on the road.

One final thing today. I hung out with a friend today. I'm sure anyone who knows anything about me will figure out who this is. Saw her today and she told me something that upset me dearly. Like this happened a while back and she is gonna live but the fact that it occurred is unacceptable. What I find even more unacceptable is that she just took it like that. Normally she'd have kicked some asses had anyone else done that to her. Why she let it happen dumbfounded me.

If we had been alone, I probably would have exploded. Alas making a scene where we were would have been childish.

I've been told I am pretty blunt with people about things. It kind of amused me when she said "Stop looking at me like that." Like she knows what that look means. It means I'm concerned as hell about whats going on!

I kind of wonder though why she takes my criticism. I'm sure she'd tell everyone else to STFU but not really to me. Maybe it is just our odd little relationship that I'll never understand. But what was in the past will stay in the past. Just need to move on. I just hope she will be OK.

I left this entry in a depressing manner. So now enjoy my photo with Superwoman! She'll save the day! Hooray!

I'm getting a bit tired of people dissing the women in my life. Today some people found out about my relationship with Polish Kat and started dissing on her bad. And one thing a girl said bothered me a lot too.

"You can do so much better than her"

OK so whats up with this. I've always had people give me slack about the women I date. And maybe this plays along with what Kat said before about being with me being unbelievable. Like something she dreams about but never envision actually happening. How can this be the case? I figured people were just jealous but man it seems mad people be saying this. This past week I had a lot of talk about me being sexy and all. I guess thats cool and all but really like.....I'm just tired of it. Tired of being the center of so much attention. Just leave me alone with my girlfriend. I don't really care if anybody thinks she is ugly. I get so much positive attention and then it just gets negative. I can't change how I look and I cannot change how people think of me. It isn't my fault if someone comes onto me. People expect me to act a certain way which would just make me look bad. I'm not going to be a dick to people. I'm also not going to be a player and hunt other women just because Kat isn't the most beautiful woman in the world. Plain and simple.

And while I'm at it Kat asked me who else I thought was pretty. I answered her question honestly but seriously why is she so insecure? I wish she realized just how beautiful she really is. She must have been rejected a lot in the past. I don't know. I haven't really brought up past relationships for fear of hurting her but from what I gather she really does think a bit too low of her looks.

I think Kat is beautiful and that is all that matters. Every time I see her I just want to hold her. Why am I put on such a high pedistool? What do people expect from me? I'm just a dorky 20 year old who is still into Pokemon. People have this vision of me and they try to play that on me. I don't care most of the time but man get off my chain people. I'm quite easy to approach really. I'm even starting to hear false gossip spread about me. I would have expected that back in high school but not now. Not at our age. People like to spread this stupid rumors for whatever immature little reasons they have. I just been turning a blind eye to the stupidity but still...

And on the girlfriend thing. Today my friend Chris asked if she was now my girlfriend. I've always had a tough time answering this question. Like how serious could a relationship like ours be that we would consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I said we were but if she doesn't think so, then what are we? Just two people lusting after each other. At first it was just lust but people need more than that to work things out and we've lasted this long together. Its always interested me this little transition phase into someone officially being my girlfriend.

The little kids at our camp this week found out too and tried to make us get up and dance at the dance party. It was quite cute. Makes me wish she wasn't returning to Poland in a month so that we could have situations like that for the longest time.

I notice I've been writing really abstractly. I no longer really think about what I'm writing about. I just write the first thing that pops into my head. It probably makes these thoughts really confusing to read. Sorry to whoever actually reads these. But you see this picture. It ain't changing people no matter what you think of Kat and I. Its gonna be that way for as long a time we got together as possible.

So I finally have some free time to myself. I've been busy nonstop and have just now finally devoted a day solely to myself.

The 12 day session wasn't bad at all. I loved all three of my campers. One of them was a Rutgers fan so I was chilling with that dude most of the time. He was also strong as hell and could hold onto me without me even trying for a bit. My other two guys were cool as well although one kept waking up in the morning really early. He made it such a trend that my body started getting up early prepared to stop him. The body is truly an amazing thing on how it adapts to circumstances.

So I took Polish Kat to Philly yesterday. She had basically came up to me asking to chill in New York City during our break but I was like nah screw that. I ain't ever really been in Philadelphia so I thought it would be cool to check it out with her since she wouldn't get such an opportunity again.

Loved Philly. I liked how it was so small compared to New York City. It kind of felt like a city in the South. Things weren't so fast paced like in New York City. It wasn't like this utopian city either like people make New York City out to be. It seemed feasible for most normal people to actually live there. I always figured that if anything, I'd prefer a small cosy city to live in over NYC. I thought Richmond was pretty good for that although that 9 PM everything closed law is a drag.

We unintentionally found the steps that Rocky climbed. Needless to say I ran them. Its like people be running them constantly. A ton of people including some Asian businessmen ran the steps. Haha those Asians were funny running in their business suits.

Oh man yesterday with Polish Kat was one of those days that you just remember for the rest of your life. Just filled with good memories. Philly was great although it took a while to get there and then I had to take her to NYC to meet up with the rest of the Europeans.

Chilled with them for a bit and it was great. They wanted me to hang and stay with them but I gotta focus son! They also had no idea what they were doing but I told them were they should be heading. Kat was upset and wanted me to stay. It was tempting being a young adult in NYC but nothing could be better than being in Paterson.

I wonder what they doing now? Probably piss drunk ha. Man this is what memories are all about!

So I've been speaking a lot about my current job but very little about exactly what I do. Needless to say I have a ton of friends asking me where I am and why I'm surrounded by a bunch of Europeans. So here is the explanation entry.

I'm currently working at Camp Merry Heart in Hacketstown, New Jersey. At the camp week after week we care for individuals who are mentally handicap. We basically act as their personal nurse alongside having a good time doing such activities as dancing, sports, and boating. Needless to say it isn't all fun and games as we need to assist them in many aspects such as showering, clothing, and toileting. Yeah guys, I'm cleaning up pooh as a job.

I am living there for the summer Sunday until Friday morning so basically I only have Friday nights and all of Saturday off. I usually drive the hour back to Paterson and relax. There is nothing to do on the weekends and I'd much rather be home the few days I am able to rather than be there. We're basically out in the middle of the woods. Just the other day I had a dangerous close encounter with a bear so yeah we really are in the middle of nowhere. I'm doing this until Aug 14. Then I stay another week for Camp New Day and after that I plan on going to Chicago. Then school starts again so my summer is pretty much planned out.

People have asked me if I am able to take off work. Only in an extreme emergency could I get off work. In all honesty though if I were to take off work for a day it would be unfair for my fellow co-workers. We are each given 2-3 campers whom we are responsible to help shower, clothe, and all that other good stuff. If I were to leave that would put more burden on everyone else because they would have to look after my chaps and I cannot be selfish like that. Sorry guys but I'm only free to hang out Friday-Saturday. Its all good though since I've been chilling with peeps every single weekend since summer started so honestly I never really just get a day to myself!

The camp mostly employs international workers. Most are from the United Kingdom but we have a few from Australia, New Zealand, and Poland. The few Americans we have come from far away like Texas, Oklahoma, or Wisconsin. Only a fellow from West Orange and myself are the only New Jersey natives working there so we mos def get to open our horizons to new cultures.

I've told some of my friends about the job and they said they think they would not be able to handle such a job. I'll admit it can be stressful for a lot of people. I see it all the time. I'm usually quite calm so you don't see me stressed but other workers have had arguments with each other over the most trivial details. No one has a problem with me but some factions have been formed I notice. It is all stupid really and people just need to learn how to be happy. I don't find it much stressful really. Maybe because I've been doing this type of thing as a volunteer for five years now. I see people all the time at Rutgers saying they are stressed because they have so much work to do. Maybe thanks to Camp New Day I've never really been stressed about school work while at Rutgers. Annoyed about having to do homework yes but never fretful. People at Rutgers constantly show that they are from privilege without even realizing it.

For those of you wondering who the girl is I've mentioned before, she is from the camp. Her name is Kat and she is from Poland. She is a great girl and a genius at mathematics. It is sad to see though that we'll only be having a three month relationship. After that she returns to Poland and I pretty much wrap up my summer. For now though we are enjoying being with each other. She gets upset that I leave for the weekend and don't party with them on the weekends but I still have a life outside of camp.

Its interesting to see how relationships have formed at camp. There is a 3-1 ratio of girls to guys so I guess we men have lucked out. Out of the relationships that have formed however, only one is possible of being kept going outside of camp but even that is a stretch. I think everyone knows that its just a temporary pleasure so why not give in to it? We are all young so lets enjoy the moment.

The other day one of my mates basically said I must be "shagging" girls left and right with my apparent "skill" at talking to girls. I made it clear to him that this is far from the truth. I've always wondered how people constantly get their perception of me wrong. They think I'm a playa and it really annoys me. So far people have said I'm addicted to working out,being a pretty boy, ,anorexic, confused and possibly gay (don't even understand that one if I'm with Kat) guy. Apparently caring for my health and image is not manly at all. Whatever. At the end of the day I am happy with what I got.

So another week is done at camp. I have to say this week is a lot easier than the first week. One of my campers left because he was simply too difficult to take care of. When I read up on him I was pretty worried. That was something even some of the more experienced counselors would have a hard time with. So I had only one guy and he was no problem at all. The only problem was that he kept taking socks from everybody!

I think everyone is good now and not stressed that this will be too much work. The weak little South African girl left after the first week. I figure at least give it two weeks but quitting after one week just makes you look bad. This week was so much easier compared to the first one. She looks like she comes from privilege too because last I heard she was staying in New York City. Pretty much getting what she wanted and screwing everyone else who stayed back at camp. Her parents can fit the bill.

So I've also learned who to be wary of at camp as well. It seems a lot of people love to spread gossip. Not much else to do in free time really. I've mostly kept to myself and Polish Kat but even some small drama happened with me. One of the girls accused me of wandering off during meals. I'm not gonna lie that I do that a lot but it was never an issue and I had a pretty darn good reason to be heading off. In fact the only time it was an issue was when I needed to help someone with a camper. To be honest I know that this girl mentioned it to the guy who told me likes this particular guy so she probably just trying to look responsible and mature in front of him. Can't see how the particular issue was any of her business either. If it was a problem, the only person it affected could have came up to me and besides it ain't even like I wasn't doing my job. I would finish it and bounce for like five minutes. Whatever that ish died quickly. If anything I did most of the work at that table. She just needed to watch the group while I left for a minute so if she did come to me I'd be ready for a come back. I'm never one to be caught off guard.

But yeah some of those people are sounding malicious. My plan of being a recluse is working and no one much cares for me. I'm just the chill guy who pops in every once and a while. I love how I'm in the know on most things and honestly that stuff just comes to me. I don't hussle or anything to get the gossip like some of the people do.

Oh also another amusing thing that has been happening at the camp is that everyone has been doing their top five picks on who they find attractive. Romance is the other thing to do on the free time. I'm happy to say I haven't made anybody's list from the couple of people I've heard it from! Its about time. Maybe it is because I'm with Polish Kat so I'm out of bounds?? Or maybe because I simply don't talk much. Who knows. A lot of the girls suck up and flirt with my gay twin though. It is pretty awesome.

Apparently I don't much smile either. Polish Kat told me I should smile more. It constantly looks like I'm pissed off she said. I didn't realize that but some other people have said that to me as well. I wonder if I always look pissed off even at Rutgers. People say I'm so giddy at University. Maybe its because I'm so focused at getting stuff done at camp. I don't like things being procrastinated on.

Oh and we had to jump in the lake today to do a lake drill. Basically its to see who can do it in case we have an emergency at the lake. I'm surprised a lot of people didn't do it. Particularly some of the guys. The way they act you'd think they would have this macho ego. Of course me, the pretty boy, did it in all of that irony. It was horrible though. The lake was not what I expected. It was so cold I was really in shock. My body couldn't take it and I could hardly breath. I was in so much pain I thought I might faint! I remember watching "Man vs. Wild" and Bear Grylls (whom the British here really hate) was jumping in a frozen lake in Siberia. He was saying how your heart could basically have a heart attack from the sudden cold. I couldn't grasp it at the time but after jumping in that lake I think I have an idea. Man it was cold in that lake but Bear must be in excellent shape to be doing that in Siberia. I finished the drill though and was in so much pain when I got out. We had to jump in again though! I think my body couldn't take the sudden cold which screwed me over. I should have waded in instead of doing a cannonball. The second time around my body was getting used to the cold and I probably could have managed if we had to stay in longer.

Its amazing how pathetic I was in the freezing water though. There is no doubt that I am the most fit at camp but I've never been good at swimming and was completely schooled. It just goes to show you that the proper conditioning is everything. I can outrun everyone at camp but am such a bad swimmer.

On the pretty boy note, I've been called that repeatedly by one of the British girls. I'm amazed I constantly get this brandished on me especially since most of the time I dress like a slob just to avoid these types of situations. The few times I do dress up though is enough for most though. I wonder why guys just can't be feminine sometimes and care about their appearance. I'm not ashamed of how I look nor the shape my body is in so why can't I be proud of it without being seen as a pretty boy? Two guys made fun of my dancing the other day, of course one of them spent the whole time sitting down and the other danced pretty bad. Moving up and down is not dancing sorry. I just want to have fun and in the end, I'm the one having a good time. I'd like to see their luck at a club sometime against me!

Polish Kat will be on a trip for the camp next week. We won't see each other for six days. :(

I wonder if I should just stay in this weekend instead of go to those three parties people mentioned to me.

I'm really tired. Its only 9:30 PM and I feel I could fall asleep in this chair. I want to work out though before I go to bed and going to bed now isn't healthy since I ate not too long ago. This job does take a lot out of you but I can't think of anything better I'd want to do in the summer. But man this sleep deprivation is getting to me. I think I should start going to bed a bit earlier but I can't yet for her...

Yeah so I met someone. The last girl I guess lost interest in me so we just stopped meeting and hanging out. A shame because she really was a nice girl but maybe I just wasn't her type. Maybe in the future we'll cross paths again.

This new girl whom we shall call "Kat" is really nice. I like her a lot. The way she caresses my face feels so warm. At first I was really nervous talking to her because I couldn't figure out if she was interested or not. But it seems she was more baffled in me being interested in her than vice-versa. I think she is gorgeous but apparently she thinks she isn't?! Although one person did come up to me and basically tell me I could do better. It doesn't matter to me. I like her and people shouldn't get in my business like they have been doing as of late. I pretty much keep to myself yet I'm the talk of the town....as usual it seems.

I've always wondered why humans kissed. I know the scientific reasons behind it but that doesn't come to our minds when we kiss. Sometimes I open my eyes while kissing just to see them. Just watching the girls as we kiss reminds me of one in a trance. They are so focused on the kiss that nothing else matters. Sometimes I have to stop it cause it lasts too long ha ha!

Its just so interesting this kissing. Why does it feel so great? Like sometimes I find myself tapping my foot out of kissing for what I think is too long a time. After we leave though I long for her lips again. It really is an amazing feeling. I wish some of my friends who have never kissed before could experience the feeling. They are missing out on so much. Nothing can replace a kiss. Such an amazing experience.

But why do we get in relationships at such a young age anyway? It seems highly unlikely that most will ever lead to marriage. Maybe that knowledge that someone just wants to hold you makes one feel so special. I know it does for me.

I'm taking Kat to NYC tomorrow. I hope we have a good time. The way she looks at me makes me feel so happy. The only other person I've kissed who looked at me like that was Danielle but that relationship will never be. Work will be a major workout but spending my nights with Kat will make it bearable. That plus the fact that the people there are all generally nice besides being noisy as hell.

So today will be my last day at Rutgers sophomore year. I'm pretty much wasting time at the computer lab. I'm trying to see one last person before I leave and I hope I'm able to hang out since we don't see each other that often to begin with. It was a good year. Better than freshman year. I established who my friends are and made some new ones I plan to keep in contact with.

I tried a lot of new things. Playing the intramurals was great and I'm glad I got back into playing soccer. I still got it in me baby! I'm thinking I might have to start playing forward though instead of defense because that is what always seem to happen anyway. I think I'll join a team come Fall semester on Busch this time because that Cook field was really horrible.

I also finally signed up for Rutgers Model Congress. I'm glad I did that too and finally decided to not put it off for any longer. Even though I was sick it turned out being a great time. Really laid back and I loved it. IDK if I'll be able to do RUMUN because of the soccer but I do plan on doing RMC again in the Spring semester.

So working at the Targum office look like it won't happen. Too much favoritism really. I finally see why Pablo and Scott were so pissed about it and left before me. It really was a lot of crap for so little back. I think I'll write a few editorials here and there when I am bored but I wrote enough for them just for them to spit me out once I ask for something in return.

So my cousin came to join me at Rutgers this year. It seems her life here has been drama ridden day after day. The worst thing that has happened to me at Rutgers these two years is mild compared to what she has gone through. Knowing her I can't give her the benefit of the doubt either as she screws herself and others around her over. I made sure to avoid that stuff with her. Acting like a little child sure has helped me avoid that stuff! I hope she gets an apartment though because I don't think she will be able to handle the commuter life. This is especially true since Clifton is pretty far. For me it really is just down the road from East Brunswick so I'm not too worried.

I really just want to go home now. A lot of people I know have left and I'm just killing so much time here. I can take the bus whenever its just that I really need to see this one friend of mine before I go. Heh its funny how I value that friendship so much even though we see each other maybe up to four times a school year. Whatever. Gotta keep the friendships going!

I am happy but I know next year will not be the same. I'm going to lose contact with some people because of the situation I am in. Others are graduating and I'll probably never see them again. We had a good time together me and those friends. Years from now I can look back on this moment in my life and smile because it was so awesome,funny,sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions.

Thank you guys. Enjoy life.