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Kristoferson

Summer ending

Posted on 2016.08.11 at 17:43
The summer schedule is finally ending. I am having a lot more free time yet again, and not knowing what to do with it. I have so much free time I even started pondering writing fiction for amusement again. That is something I rarely do since on my time off I would much rather play the guitar, or excercise.

I have started to get noticeably good at the guitar. If I was at a party and someone had a guitar laying around I could pick it up and play a few crappy songs. Nothing musically impressive, but enough to impress the average person. I miss playing the bass guitar still. When I return to the United States I plan to purchase a new 4 string bass. Enough with the old used ones I have! My Fender P-Bass is ten years old. I love the thing, but using that thing for anything other than practice is not a good idea really.

Two weeks from now I will be going on vacation to Hong Kong in a week. All I can think about is of all things finally being able to get onto Facebook! Due to all these restrictions in China accessing so many websites is extremely difficult. I´ve made due without them for all this time just fine. Not having Youtube was difficult because I watched a lot of shows on there. I am always amused when people spend money on Netflix. There are so many good shows for free on there the only difference being that they are old shows. Sure I can see the temptation of wanting to see Game of Thrones right away, but when I can watch shows like Lost on Youtube I do not think I am losing out on too much.

Besides the internet I have two friends in Hong Kong I will be seeing. I hope they will be able to show me around. I keep thinking there is a Jackie Chan statue on the island, but I cannot remember if it is real or not. I know there is one of Bruce Lee for sure. My internet search here in mainland China shows me nothing, but that is no surprise really with how unreliable internet is here.

Last week a Chinese woman I know helped me to buy some things I needed. She saved me a lot of time by helping so in appreciation I offered to take her out for ice cream. It is something I always do whenever someone helps me as stuff like this can go a long way.

So last night I wrote to her on WeChat (Chinese version of Whatsapp) if she wanted to get ice cream today. She then asked me what I plan to do. Well I plan to buy you ice cream that is what I plan to do. I caught on by her tone of voice what she meant actually as it came off very flirtatious. That plus she told me that she was at a bar drinking only reinforced that fact. So if I make a move on her she would not reject my advances. Hhmmmmmmm.....

Nope. Not going to happen.

While she is alright (I´ve seen prettier Asian girls) in the looks department I cannot get over my distrust of them in how they view me. Very few Hispanics are in China and those that are tend to be of a pale complexion so are often mistaken for being European or American. I have had people not believe me at all when I say I am American so sometimes to avoid having to explain my racial background I just tell them I am Colombian. Technically not lying to them that way. So yes people see me and they have absolutely no idea what I am. Some maybe think I am Filipino which is a very realistic possibility as I can pass off as one. The point that I am getting at is that I am exotic to them, even more exotic than a white man would be. A Latin man in China!

I think when you´re exotic even if you are not handsome at all people will like you just because. I have seen the ugliest of foreign men with decent girls. I feel like I mentioned this before, but I remember there was one particular incident in which I felt like going up to this complete stranger and asking him if he really thought that what he had was a serious relationship. The dude, based on his attire alone, could never pull off getting a girl from back home with the one whose hand he was holding.

All these ugly dudes with pretty Chinese girls. Imagine all the handsome dudes out there? Even with the handsome guys I want to ask them if they can really see themselves marrying and living their lives in China. This is something I cannot see for myself. Having a child whose preferred language is neither English nor Spanish is not something I would like very much. I guess one could bring them to the United States, but this is easier said than done, and the cultural differences, despite there being Chinese populations in the US as well, would be immense. My one friend here is dating a girl. A girl he would never be able to get with back at home. I keep asking him if he plans on marrying her, and he always gives me a maybe as an answer. It is clear to me he has not really put much thought into how serious a relationship is. When I was 19 I went on a date and had a 18 year old ask me if I wanted kids. I did not take the question very serious at the time. Now at our age I definitely would, but he surely isn´t. It makes me distrust his girlfriend because she is a bit more experienced when it comes to dating, so she should see that coming from him. I feel like she is very dominating and just thinks she can force him to do it. She forced him to go to South Korea pretty much which was such a stupid incident even he was ashamed to bring it up and I was the one who had to. Any situation where a man is being dominated by a woman in a relationship is doomed for failure.

I do not plan to do anything tonight other than buy her ice cream. I am not even in the mood to be mischievious. By my actions I come off as very strong minded and macho (guess some people would call it sexist, the wankers), which I know women find appealing. I even said something sexist to her, and she wasn´t crying for the pitchforks. She is at that age where she wants to get married. This I know. A guy I met traveling through Shaoxing hung out with her a few nights. Decent guy, but a loser so he did not know how to handle her. I suspect she would like to move to the United States. Most people do love my country after all. She´ll be dissapointed tonight, but I won´t be with that delicious ice cream cone I´ll be having!

Thanks Harsheve!

Maryland´s guilt

Posted on 2016.07.14 at 11:20
Maryland girl cut off all ties with me. We had not seen each other the past week because our work has kept us busy. I guess not having me around gave her enough courage to text me saying how she did not want to see it anymore. As usual, she wrote how she did not want to worry about someone (me) kissing her when she did not want it. Never mind the fact that she kissed me goodnight the last time we saw each other.

Nothing but drama and running away. It is always easy to do something like that on your cell phone, but if we were face to face she wouldn´t try that at all, and wouldn´t mind my kisses. That kind of attitude pisses me off. Take responsibility and do not make it sound like I am a criminal. You kissed me I kissed you it was not one sided at all.

I get tired of this drama. I cannot even make a serious effort with women anymore because of this sort of stuff so they just end up getting burned. I was thinking how a lot of women probably view me as their "mistake" but will never accept that it takes two to tango, and that I would be willing to settle down if they just accepted taking responsibility for their actions. It was because of a lack of being an adult that I ended it the Russian woman in the first place. All this is truly dissapointing. I doubt I will meet anyone else in my time here in China. As I mentioned before I have little interest in being with a Chinese woman and getting tied down here. Most of the other foreign women here are Russian and no way am I going down that road again.

Serial Experiments Lain

Fooling around with Maryland girl

Posted on 2016.07.02 at 16:07
Well our no longer talking did not last very long, and things have slowly gotten more intimate between us. Last night especially was the case. We have not had sex yet, but things are getting closer and closer to that. She still has her boyfriend back home. I guess she realized that us not being intimate was just impossible. We were talking once and I told her how we are poison to each other. This will lead to no where. It is not possible. Even though Maryland is close to New Jersey it still is not that close to make anything possible.

I spoke to the Russian yesterday. It was like she was completely oblivious that I had been ignoring her for two weeks. I only messaged her when I realized that. I asked her if she wanted to end it between us. A few months back I told her until July 31st. As you can guess however, I gave up on the Russian a while ago anyway. She said she is coming to China anyway so I asked her what progress had she made.

Absolutely nothing.

She is still waiting on the Hangzhou people, the same people who basically screwed up the original plan completely and sound completely shady, to get her visa stamped through. There was also another place actually in my city that said they would hire her, but that it would take three months to get the visa approved.

All this stuff regarding the visa process I told her months ago, maybe as early as January even. She decided though in her infinite wisdom to wait until maybe the beginning of June to seriously start looking. Completely idiotic.

I took it that the Russian would be able to handle it well,realize what was happening between us, and would just let us drift apart. Usually in the past women have gotten the hint from me. For her to message me yesterday threw me off completely. She must have noticed. So now I am thinking she may be in denial and actually believe that I will wait for her whenever she gets around to it. I do not know what to make of it. I did not tell her about Maryland girl. It is not like she has the right to know about that anymore anyway.

I asked the Russian if she would actually be able to make it before the deadline I put forth and she said she would talk to the shady people today and get back to me. I am so close to just cutting off ties with her properly. I don´t want to marry a girl with her lazy attitude so maybe it is better to get it done and over with.

Togepi

It is just too easy

Posted on 2016.06.18 at 17:01
Last night I made out with a friend. A friend who has a boyfriend waiting for her back in Maryland. The Russian as expected was not smart enough to figure out how to get to China without someone telling her what to do. I was surprisingly not as disappointed as I thought I would be about that, but her lack of being able to think past five minutes into the future was starting to get to me. This post is not really about that though.

I met an American girl here. From the very beginning we got along very well. Almost too well. You know how sometimes you meet someone who you just get along with so well immediately? Well that was us. Needless to say our friendship quickly grew to sexual tension. It could not be helped on my end. My relationship with the Russian was coming to a close, and her boyfriend was all the way back in Maryland. They had been dating for five months before she decided to come to China although I was surprised he did not follow her here. He is just working at the supermarket right now. What does he have to lose by not coming here with her and saving money? I don´t know. So she has been sexual frustrated for months now. It was a recipe for disaster.

I am not a good person when it comes to women. It is my one fatal flaw. She sent me a song by some guy named Hozier called "It will come back" and boy did it describe me in a nut shell. I know the effect I have on women. She is not the first person who has cheated on their boyfriends with me, even the Russian had as well.

Well last night things got really heated between us. She asked to come over so as to plan our trip for Shanghai even though there really was not much to plan. It was just an excuse to see me. We watched a television show for a while before I wrapped my arms around her. I could get really descriptive, but perhaps that is not something that should be written about. Needless to say we kissed passionately for a long time that night.

This weighed on her conscious however and this morning she spoke with her boyfriend and told him what she had done. I had told her to just keep it between ourselves, but the guilt she had was too much. I guess her boyfriend told her not to see me anymore because she wrote to me later saying just that. She wanted to stay friends, but at this point I did not care to say yes just for it to backfire and we end up kissing again so I said it was not possible. There was a mutual interest between both of us, and for us to keep our hands off of each other would be impossible.

We humans when it comes to relationships are so weak. It was so easy to seduce Maryland girl, Russian girl, and so many others. I have come to like R & B so much lately because everything they say in the songs is true. Throughout all this I do not feel anything. No sadness, no grief. Absolutely nothing. I fell out of love with the Russian because she is stupid, Maryland girl I did not know long enough. In a certain sense I feel relief because yet again I am free. I had made certain plans revolving around the Russian. Certain sacrifices I was going to take for her, but now that I do not need to worry about it I can focus on myself again. It seems alright.

I know I am not a good person. To the few people that read my LiveJournal I realized that a long time ago so no need to chastize me. This is just who I am.


Thanks Harsheve!

Tolstoy man...

Posted on 2016.04.12 at 13:43
      I am currently trying very hard to finish War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. I have been reading this book for months, even since before coming to China. The book is so long and he just drags it out, describing things meticulously. This is a good trait to have as a writer, but he just takes it to another level. I read it on my Kindle so I do not know the exact page but I am at 88% right now. Now 12% may not seem like a lot but with Tolstoy this still will take forever. It is annoying because I rarely like to read more than one book at once. It is stupid I know, but I do this so I do not get so focused on one book that I completely forget the other. It has happened before.
      Everyone says Russian literature is amazing, but I am starting to think that maybe it just takes itself too seriously. I enjoyed Dostoyesvky because of the religious undertones in his books but Tolstoy made his book feel like a history lesson. I have learned more about the French invasion of Russia than I ever cared to know because of it. Russians always seem so serious about everything; it is like they do not know how to have fun when it comes to writing. I would love to hear what passes off for humor in Russian literature.
      I will be reading Don Quijote next in Spanish. This may be a daunting task, but I believe I am ready for it. I just need to finish this damn Tolstoy book first! Going from such a serious work to a comedy will make me really happy though.
      I still write on occasion to amuse myself. I am currently writing a short story about a man who goes around destroying prized fish that were going to be used for tuna. It is on odd premise I know. I like writing these ridiculous stories though. They always are good for a laugh. I just post these stories online on various writing websites. I do not know how many people read them, but I am sure a few people will have a laugh at them.

USA

Worried about the future again

Posted on 2015.10.14 at 07:07
Current Location: Armenia, Colombia
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: The Cure
In two months my contract to teach in Colombia comes to an end. Yesterday I started looking for work but like in the United States, finding employment is a mission here. I can of course stay in Colombia now without any problems so that is a good thing but I worry about contract work. By Colombian standards, the contract work I can find for teaching English is excellent, but still it is always worrying that in the back of my mind I will have to search for work again. It is really frustrating in that sense.

There is always a possibility that I will actually get the promotion I asked for from my current employer. If that is the case that would be excellent news in a number of ways. For one I would not have to worry about employment for some time and I would be really well off from the pay raise. I have a good chance of getting it but the competition is still fierce. There are a lot of people who have a good chance of getting it simply because I am not in a major city so my exploits here in Armenia are not seen.

If things do not work out I will have to find work in Asia. I do not really want to go there but the pay is something that can be ignored. That plus honestly it really is a chance of a lifetime but I am getting to the point in which I'd like to just stay in one place for once in my life. My ties to Colombia make this an ideal choice whereas in Asia I have nobody.

Serial Experiments Lain

Anarcho-Primitivism

Posted on 2014.08.15 at 21:38
Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that Fight Club is one of my favorite movies. No surprise really, given that Tyler rejects material possessions, modern society, and capitalism in general. Tyler is actually an anarcho-primitivist which, unsurprisingly, has certain elements in common with communism. Is it at all shocking then that I would love such a movie? Outside of being a communist, Taoism is another strong presence in my life (can you guess what other movie is a favorite of mine Dude?). Nature plays a huge role in Taoism and given how much I despise the city I've grown more and more to despise modernity. Yesterday I had to go into New York City and absolutely abhorred it. Coming back to New Jersey, while far from being an ideal nature spot, was definitely a breath of fresh air for me.

Which brings me to Fight Club yet again, Because of anarchism’s similarity to communism and Taoism with nature, I'd begun being interested in Anarchism-Primitivism. I had a general idea of what it entitled but today I sat down and listened to a few lectures by John Zerzan, a man who espouses the belief. It was truly profound and an eye opening experience to me in what he spoke about because he was absolutely spot on about society. Society he says with each step forward in advancing becomes more destitute and depressed. Damn if he was not right in that regard. Mexico, compared to the United States a third world nation, has some of the happiest people in the world with the US trailing far behind. How can that be? How can the US, with all of modern life's luxuries easily available, be not one of the happiest places to live?

Why do so many Americans suffer from clinical depression and the country leading the world in prescription drug usage for mental illnesses? Something is not adding up here and I believe the answer to be what Tyler believes. Industrialization breeds discontent in people. Even Marx writes something similar along these lines in Kapital. People in poor countries tend to be happy, while those in rich affluent ones are drowning in sorrow.

Because of this anarcho-primitivism nearly won me over and I was ready to give up my communist leanings. After some though though, I realized the alternative theory they had come up with I could not stand by. Like Tyler they want to return to the hunter-gatherer way of living, even avoiding agriculture as a means to live. I looked at all possible ways this could work but could not come up with any, despite my search for a feasible answer. Like a baby growing older, you can't stop the child from becoming a teenager and then an adult. There just isn't any way to avoid this industrialization. Likewise even if we did revert back to those times, there would be no avoiding the eventual desire to begin planting and then industrializing again. I just can't see how anyone would be able to stop someone from wanting to plant carrots, nor should anyone prohibit his free will to do such a thing.

Still though John Zerzan was spot on about modern day society. The more we build the less freedom we have. I cannot even do something as try to plant an apple tree in my yard without having violate some stupid law my city has put in place. This is where I become very conflicted. I want to escape this city and live in a rural area without television, computers, and the like. Is this though me running away from what is inevitable for all of humanity? It may take some time, but one day the people in some poor country like Senegal will be living just as I am living once it is their country's turn to industrialize. Everything is pointing towards the fact that I should not embrace but at least accept it.

I find myself unable to do that though. I just can't. Society may be growing but I feel like I should enjoy the few pockets left of society which hasn't gone completely Western. Not yet anyway. Seeing how quick China has modernized when only 20 years ago people were crying about the everyone starving there, it may be right around the corner.

Serial Experiments Lain

Consider the Communist

Posted on 2014.07.29 at 19:13
Consider the young communist. An idealist young teenager full of hope and dreams of change. This can be said of how many communists and former communists would say they got wrapped into the belief. Many of us try hard to just jump into Marx right away but the utter complexity of it all makes it difficult to grasp. Surely though, the idea of equality for everyone doesn't sound like too bad of an idea right? Well, I learned the hard way that people would gladly admit how selfish and vile they are before ever admitting they'd support anything communist.

When Marx proved too much of a challenge most of us youngsters, myself included, ran to the internet in search of better understanding what communism was all about. Unless one lives in the major city, meeting like minded people can be hard enough, and meeting a communist can be practically impossible. All these years and I've met less than five people in person who would without hesitation admit to believing in communism. The internet though is quite different as people from all over the world can gather together in one spot and seem like they're a force to be reckoned with. Communists were no exception as there are plenty of places where communists and anarchists, we can't forget you guys, can hang around and talk. I gladly gobbled up what information I could find and when I understood the basic terminology of it all I began to return to the books. Lenin, Mao, and Engels made for much easier reading than how dense Marx always was. Slowly over time the terminology became easier to grasp and the brutality that is capitalism came more and more into life. I tried to keep this mentality of mine to myself in high school but as always, it just is never that easy. History class will do that to you.

One thing about communists, we're a very blunt group of people. We're the type of people to tell you that you're going to get fat from eating those burritos all day. It isn't that we are trying to be mean, it is just that we're worried about your health. No surprise though that people would prefer a happy lie than an inconvenient truth. So while we're mocked for telling someone to cease and desist with the burritos, others are telling us how we're a bunch of scumbags and reassuring you that you're beautiful and can eat the burritos, all the while you're gaining a few pounds here and there until you look in a mirror and are disgusted with yourself. Yes that sounds about right in describing communists.

So that is what eventually happened in history class. Although the country did have its problems, I was quick to defend the Soviet Union and many of the policies they had, including equality for all. Of course the topic gets much more condensed but I am summarizing here. Well this did not bode well for people. For a bunch of people who have been led to believe their whole lives here in America are full of freedom and justice, they are not too keen on the equality part. Many people straight up told me they didn't care what happened to poor people and that money was their only concern. The amount of selfishness really upset me at the time since I was still an idealist. Looking back on it I have to chuckle about it because so many people were malicious to me about it that I ended up being quite popular in high school for all the wrong reasons. It made for an interesting few years in my life especially when I showed up in my senior portrait holding a hammer and sickle. Say what you want about me, but I always had laugh at other people's rage.

When I went to Rutgers I thought it was my time to shine. No longer would I be surrounded by these knuckleheads who didn't mind if poor people died in the streets all while looking forward to the day they'd collect their senior welfare checks from the government. Nope college would be the exact opposite of that completely. Well....not exactly.
I'll admit one thing though. Leftist girls are smoking hot. I'll be the first to admit I embarrassed my still naive self once trying to impress one of them. That is about as far as it gets though. While I found many people who had some pretty interesting ideas, I still met very few who would go so far as to call themselves communists. A few socialists, a couple of social democrats, and interestingly enough a libertarian socialist just to name a few. So many names, so much bickering over the same goal but how to go about it is where the punches were thrown. So trivial it was to me so I just told them all I was a communist and went off to play soccer. For the rest of my four years at Rutgers communism took a backseat as friendships, parties, and beautiful women became the main agendas for me.

Then came graduation. It was bitter sweet as I was happy to finally be out of the superficiality that is Rutgers and college in general. Needless to say it was also like a slap in the face as things that were supposed to happen did not happen, grown men who go to church on Sundays decided to act like little children and throw me under the curb, and the financial difficulties of the country were thrust at my face. I was caught completely off guard for a while but I slowly got it together, did my research and learned why things were the way they were.

As a communist one of the things we're remarkably good at is understanding how capitalism and the the market in general works. Boy oh boy, did I make it work for me as I invested in stocks, joined a credit union and began reading the financial channels good. Even though job wise I was struggling like most Americans, I was making a hefty sum off my stocks. It got to a point where people were even coming to me for financial advise. It was all too surreal for a little while. As I grew wiser and finally no longer considered myself a teenager (took a while!), I finally decided to return to what I started with in communism. The book “Capital” by the man himself. It has been a difficult read and still I am not done with it. I am on page 802 and have about 200 more pages left to go in this small print version that I have. I have learned much from this book which has helped me financially but still something always lingers in the back of my mind, like something big is going to happen very soon. I don't know how I'll be involved in it just yet, but I will make myself a part of it.

The communist I am today is far different than the communist I was as a teenager. When someone in high school would tell me communism doesn't work because people are naturally greedy (wrong) I'd adamantly defend it until they grew fed up with hearing my voice. Now when someone finds out I am a communist and tells me communism doesn't work because people are naturally greedy (still wrong) I'll simply ask them if they've read Marx. Once they say no, because they always do, I'll tell them they can't judge a man if they haven't read his arguments and leave it at that. If they still try to make a fuss I'll merely smile and repeat my words. It usually leaves them in a rage as I've experienced before but I won't waste their time as I won't waste mine. When people open up to other viewpoints is when they have truly matured as adults. Most never make this transition however and become bitter and despicable people. Still though I am a communist and while emotion no longer has any bearing in why I am a communist I will say this. I may take you for an idiot, but you are still my equal.

Serial Experiments Lain

Awkward and Pretentious People

Posted on 2014.05.30 at 20:15
Tags:
So I went to Six Flags Great Adventure today. Totally unexpected but I was offered a free ticket so took up the offer. So I'm waiting on the line for one roller coaster right, by myself because no one wanted to get on with it and there is this girl behind me who is wearing a Beatles shirt. As anyone who has ever been on a line knows there is not much to do while you wait on the ride so I decide to glance at her shirt. Apparently this doesn't bode well for the girl who asks me to not look at her. I didn't even realize she was talking to me when she first said it.

First off who the fuck does this? How full of yourself can you be that you decide you can tell someone to stop looking at the design on your shirt? What is the point of even wearing a graphic t-shirt if you don't want people to look at it? Full on fucking retarded. Maybe if I was staring hard on her face then yeah that would be awkward but I'm looking at your fucking shirt. Chill the fuck out.

Sometimes I wonder how stupid people realize they make themselves sound when they act like dicks. To create an awkward situation out of the blue on a line at Six Flags, just....like what were you thinking? I'm just like wow you're a genius there buddy. Luckily I got to cut the line because I make friends with random strangers instead of enemies and some random stranger friends let me cut in line.

This reminds me of another time a person mocked me for how I parked my car too close to hers. Now the normal thing would have been to kindly ask me to move my car so she could get out. I would have done it now problem, but instead she opted to be a total bitch to me. So I just shrugged my shoulders and kept on walking. What really grinds my gears was that her young son was with her. Is that really the image you want to teach your son?

Most people are stupid. Really really stupid.


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